'You don't stop laughing because you grow old. You grow old because you stop laughing.'

The Retirement Sage

5 New Retirement Satires: Genuine Fake News

Straight-up advice with a twist of humor
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Pet-sitting: A new leash on life?

Dear Sage:

 

We lost our dear beagle, Baxter, a year ago at age 14. We have taken care of neighborhood puppies a couple of times since, but by no means are we ‘over’ our loss. Well, last week neighbors asked us to take in their yellow lab, Bongo, for two weeks while they are away during

the holidays. They did not like the care he received at a local kennel recently. They swear that he is a very good boy and listens well, and figured we could do with a lengthier dog fix. We hope that they haven’t left anything out – we would hate to discover the hard way, for instance, that Bongo loves to chew furniture, with a particular appetite for 18th-century Queen Anne cherry, or that he can jump up on the dining table and scarf down a three-pound roast right off the platter in seconds. My husband and I are both 68 and are in good physical shape but are a bit concerned about this level of responsibility with a 75-pound bundle of energy. What do you think?

 

                                        – Wary in Lake Mary (Florida)

                                                                        

Dear Wary:

 

   The first thing the Sage would do is to make your neighbors take a polygraph test to be certain that Bongo doesn’t march to the beat of a different drummer, if you’ll pardon the pun. To start, you could ask questions about the pooch’s diet, to be certain that it doesn’t typically include draperies, power tools, Valium, Gucci slippers, a 9-iron, or a grandchild’s electric train set. But even if the neighbors breeze through the test, you may still be in for an adventure that will land you on Valium!

    Friends, relatives and neighbors may think they’re doing someone a great favor through pet-sitting, but often professional care, such as by a reputable kennel or a highly experienced pet sitter, will prevent all sorts of problems. You don’t want your house or the dog – let alone yourself – to look as if a tornado has ripped through the neighborhood. Not to mention the liability if your house gets damaged, or if anyone gets hurt, including Bongo.

   The American Veterinary Medical Association recommends that someone be authorized to act on your neighbors’ behalf in case of emergency, and that likely would be you.
   “Does (the) animal have any health conditions that could result in emergency situations (e.g., heart disease, diabetes, severe arthritis, chronic colic, etc.)?” the association asks. “If so, consider the possible emergencies that could occur and whether or not you should set limits for the extent of care or the cost of care.”

   Getting a little nervous yet?
   The association adds, “If your animal is on any medications, make sure that your authorized agent knows where they are located, how much to give, when to give them, how often to give them, and how to give them. Don’t assume they know, and demonstrate the process if needed.”  Further: Caregivers should receive copies of health records, including conditions and vaccination status, including rabies.

   Granted, these are by-the-book, worse-case suggestions. But there are others, also very important, from other experts:

   • Get to know Bongo thoroughly so that you’re familiar with each other. Learn his habits, his traits, his routines. Can you walk him safely while he’s on a leash – do you have the strength to restrain him, or will you be flying in mid-air while he runs off to get to know a squirrel? Ditto inside your home.

   • Accustom Bongo to your environment – before your friends leave – if you will be staying in your own house. It’s one thing to eat you out of house and home, and quite another to eat the house and home. You will have to know his routines for eating, walking, playing (along with his toys), and where he sleeps (and on what). Which commands does he know – and not know?

   • Is your house pet-friendly – without sharp, dangerous objects, or expensive ones?

   • Remember that every dog is unique. What worked for Baxter may not work for this guy. In addition, Baxter was older and likely much less active – not to mention lighter.

   • Keep the house secure. Doors should be closed, including those protecting light screen doors that a dog could easily jump through. Remove tripping objects from stairways, as well as loose rugs that could send Bongo smashing into a heavy stationary object, your treasured Waterford Crystal curio cabinet (or you!). Also, store hazardous cleaning solvents, other chemicals and chew hazards. Secure trash containers.

   • Have your neighbors draw up a list of emergency contacts, including his veterinarian, the local poison control hotline, and the names and numbers of any relatives who may be designated as decision-makers. You might also keep the name and number of some young person who can bench-press 600 pounds, just in case you need a little extra assistance.

   Not to frighten you away from something you’d love to try, but these are all sensible recommendations. It’s entirely possible that with good planning, good practice, and lots of time with this pooch in a new environment, you may have a ball and none of you will, if you pardon another pun, skip a Bongo beat.

   On the other hand, if you feel that he would be too much of a challenge for whatever reason, you can thank your neighbors for being considerate in offering you the extra puppy time – but tell them you’re concerned that it feels overly ambitious and that you’d prefer to keep yourselves on a short leash in the stress department. You have every right to say ‘no.’

   Meanwhile, you may want to continue at your own pace in volunteering with other dogs. Perhaps at some point you will find another perfect fit.

   You’ll know it when you come nose to nose. And maybe he or she will not care about Guccis, 9-irons or curtains! Best of luck.

   Humbly Yours,

   The Sage

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Exasperated couples switch channels continuously to avoid barrage of election ads; ratings skyrocket for C-Span’s commercial-free Great Moments in Filibuster History and reruns of My Mother the Car

 

   “They can’t take it anymore, especially if they don’t subscribe to streaming services like Netflix,” said Dr. Shirley Q. Schrumpf, president of the American Psychiatric Association. “They’d do better to just turn the TV off and play Chutes and Ladders until November. Particularly at this age, the stress and anxiety levels are getting up there.

  “But it could be worse for them,” she added. “Imagine the couples who disagree passionately about the candidates –their lawyers are making fortunes!”

                                                                            * * *

Retired nun starts business, promising to break your spouse of any and all bad habits within fifteen minutes or your money back, leaving some trembling with dread and fearing a living hell

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   “I didn’t realize how many seniors have never learned – they embarrass their spouses in front of friends, look at their phones constantly at the dining table, drop their dirty clothes all over the place, leave the seat up,” said Sister Knucklebuster Paddlebutt. “You name it, I will break it, or you will be parsing sentences until you’re a hundred and ten years old!

    “This business is flourishing,” she added. “I’ve had to hire 40 of my fellow sisters in just a month. I think I may have to go national. Not one customer has asked for even a nickel back!”

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After doctor finishes physical, patient complains how tough it’s becoming to pull up wrinkled socks; he tugs and tugs, and finally realizes he isn’t wearing any

 

   “Damn, I even have wrinkles in my ankles!” said Darius P. McFoozle of Deep Toke, Oregon. “What’s next? The ears? The fingernails?”

   “I shouldn’t have chuckled, it’s kind of unprofessional,” said his doctor, Eugene J. Widderhins. “Usually I can hide the occasional cackle, but Darius took it in stride – especially after I told him I seem to buy the same brand of socks.”

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Woman gives her corgi the royal treatment, serving as his personal butler, compiling daily menu, serving gourmet food in silver bowls, and changing the sheets on his bed every day in his private room

 

Husband, meanwhile, serves as footman, taking pooch for three walks a day, picking up after him, and cleaning the bowls.

 

   “I know where I stand!” said Atticus P. Schmudge of South Slickpoo, West Virginia. “She’s doing this like Queen Elizabeth and her servants. And she even named the dog Prince Phillip.

   “I hope she doesn’t get a horse,” he added. “I don’t want to be demoted to stable boy.”

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Man is reminded that he hasn’t kissed his wife in eons, so he sets a romantic scene, waits for the right moment, moistens his lips, puckers up … and misses!

 

  “I guess I’m out of practice,” lamented Floyd F. Smoot of Waterlogged Polliwog, Washington. “I finally got it after half a dozen tries.

   “But I think I probably shouldn’t wait another four months for the next attempt,” he added.

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Senior is recognized by U.S. Marriage Counselors’ Association for stunningly unique accomplishment – getting a spouse to hear every word he or she says while the other one is watching TV or looking at a laptop or a phone

 

Sadly, she is forced to return trophy after shocking discovery

 

   “The knucklehead told me that he was on his phone all the time to keep track of other games while watching TV,” said Cecilia P. Schmoop of Upper Toad Hop, Indiana. “But he was actually using his phone to tape every word I said! Whenever I’d ask if he heard me, he’d read it back word for word using a speech-to-text app! And here the association believed that I was the only spouse or significant other in the country to have achieved this landmark breakthrough!”

   The husband, Abner, who is now living in a tent deep in woods 100 miles away, could not be reached for comment, as he has no phone or internet service.

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Couple takes weeks to finish first episode of hour-long Netflix drama because they keep falling asleep partway through it, figure that at this rate it will take them 5.69 years to get through the other 99 episodes

 

   “We just love this program in the evening – it gives us something to look forward to every day,” said Wilbur P. Dozowitz of Middle Mosquitoville, Vermont. “It’s a great program because it’s clean – no people’s heads are hacked off and there’s not even any vomiting.”

   Added his wife, Adelaide, “I just wish we wouldn’t keep falling asleep and having to rewatch it because we missed the plot twists. Maybe we should turn it on during lunch and hope that we don’t fall asleep in our soup.”

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After long drought in bedroom, man takes little blue pill, gets lucky with wife and feels so invincible that he believes he can walk on water

 

   “I was on cloud nine – as well as ten, eleven and twelve,” exclaimed Charlie Bunkum of Upper Balder Dash, Minnesota. “I was Superman, iron Man, Thor and Captain America all rolled into one. Until I sank, that is. Thank God I wasn’t in the shallow end of that pool.”

   His wife, Genevieve, acknowledged her hubby’s superhero fantasy.

   “I’m thrilled that he had one great night, but in everything else he’s still the Joker to me,” she said.

                                                                          * * *

Man arranges hot date for formal outdoor dinner at senior center and arrives at woman’s front door, but can’t shake nagging feeling that he’s forgotten something

   “I have my keys, my wallet, a few bucks, I’m wearing shaving cologne, I put my teeth in after brushing them. What on earth have I forgotten?” said Roscoe F. Schlemiel of Short Stack, Missouri.

    Mr. Schlemiel rang the doorbell several times but got no answer, even though he swore he had seen a figure diving across a room indoors in front of a picture window.

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Retirees throughout sunbelt save strength for weekly extreme workouts on shuffleboard courts as wives take turns standing by ready to call cardiologists and other personnel

 

   “I can’t believe how much I’m sweating, and I swear that every single muscle in my body is sore!” said Ambrose P. Crouch, a regular participant in Myrtle Beach. “Thank goodness we have to push ourselves like this only once a week.”

   After the games, the survivors meet at a nearby bar to drink several beers to replenish their electrolytes.

   “It may not work as well as sports drinks, but, hey, the overall effect is a hell of a lot more therapeutic,” Mr. Crouch added, nodding off.

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Suave, flirty husband asks wife if she still enjoys his Saturday night amorous advances, and she reassures him, saying that it’s one of the top 500 thrills of her week

 

   “I don’t know what I expected,” said Roscoe Q. Klutznik of Devil’s Butte, Missouri. “But that’s what I get for asking. I hope she’s kidding.”

   “I think he was hoping for the top 100,” said his wife, Agatha. “There was a time when that would have been the case, like maybe around the second year of our marriage.”

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Some lucky healthy seniors sheepishly acknowledge that masks allow them to mutter, snort and act like screwballs in public because no one can tell who they are

 

   “I can’t say I’m going to miss these things when we finally have vaccines and treatments,” said Cornelius R. Schlumpmacher of Lower Sinkhole, Florida. “Not to make fun of this, but I guess we might as well make the most of them while we need them.”

   Mr. Schlumpmacher, his wife and his sister kept walking along the beach – grunting, giggling like hyenas, and blowing raspberries, giving passersby strong motivation for expanding social distancing from six feet to maybe fifty.

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Lovingly devoted husband who spends 12 hours a day out of the house – golfing, sailing and socializing – can’t wait to get back home each evening and savor the euphoria of warm and loving welcomes

 

   “Helga can’t wait for me to come back every day,” said Elliot F. MacNoodle of Rabid Racoon, Tennessee. “No matter how bad a day I’ve had, there’s always the comfort of walking through the door into her arms.”

   “I like to give him the serenity of a peaceful ambiance, so I encourage him to spend his time here in the basement,” said Helga. “Maybe someday we’ll finish it and get him a bed.”

                                                                            * * *

Baby boomers by the millions have been making their dreams come true, moving to ‘active’ adult communities for rewarding, athletic activities and fulfilling lifestyles

 

   “I’m so incredibly happy!” said Matthew Q. Bumstead, who retired a year ago to Sleepy Armadillo, Texas. “I was so damn bored for 45 years during my working career, and now I’m just overwhelmed by all these new opportunities for such a satisfying social life!

   “This is so relaxing,” he added as he woke from a three-hour nap and prepared

to binge-watch Family Feud reruns.

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2 sisters get bashful husbands together once a week to learn social skills in retirement and report major gains after 5 years, witnessing impressive arrays of sighs, murmurs and mumbles

 

   “They’re doing great!!” said Marjorie K. Schnootz of Bumpass, Virginia. “These two retired engineers still haven’t said a word each other, but clearly they’re communicating on some level. We are very proud of their accomplishments!”

   Added her sister, Luanne, “The guys are amazingly forthcoming these days. They make eye contact once every hour or so, nod at the end of each meal, and have vastly reduced the number of times they look at their watches. I think they’re down to maybe forty or fifty per hour!”

                                                                            * * *

How to share household chores
without causing World War III
Avoiding cabin fever: tips for
keeping your sanity and adjusting

Recalling lost loved ones in ways

that let you see them in good times

Staying in touch with the 'friends' you leave behind after you move
The art of (not) discussing politics
with various types of individuals
'Breaking up' friendships: It's hard, but often essential, as lives evolve
Helping others in tough times and
avoiding getting caught up in guilt
Driving each other nuts these days?
Some humorous suggestions
At what point are you officially old? 25 humorous questions 
How to deal with potential friend who has a nosy, clingy neighbor
The art of arguing as a couple:
How to disagree, but agreeably
Sunbelt communities offering
an array of creative new sports
How to throw neighborhood party
if you want to make a splash
The pain of humiliation: How can we deal with it in any situation?
Husband greatly alarmed as wife
appears to be on sad drinking path
Filling the huge emotional, social
void after leaving the workforce
Facing a gossip and rumor mill?
Advice on how to quiet it down
How to make friends and join
social groups in retirement
The etiquette involved in offering
inoffensive, kind condolences 
Is sleeping in separate bedrooms
or beds a sign of a bad marriage?
Does 'Mr. Cheapo' have an issue
or is he just being penny-wise?

Wife wants to know how to get

husband buff and off his duff!

Don't rely just on the Internet
to find your retirement mecca!!!

Husband asks: Why do wife's​ odd habits from the workplace persist?

What might be wrong with my

newly demanding neighbor?

Could  new pet be good idea for a 76-year-old widow who lost dog?

Wife's plan to volunteer for hospice is worrying husband

Is husband's behavior really
just normal forgetfulness?

Advice for those thinking about cracking open next egg too early

Uh-oh! Husband a freeloader!

New-retiree syndrome a reality

Move near the kids? Don't kid yourself! Be ready for pitfalls

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Young playmates, learning from parents and grandparents, demonstrate picture-perfect sophistication in resolving disagreements, gaining valuable skills in preparing for lifetimes of mature wedded bliss

 

   “These kids are very lucky – they are learning exceptional communication expertise and body language from the best, especially after staying at home during the pandemic,” said Bilbo P. Flunkowski, a spokesman for the U.S. Department of Education.

   “For those who think that these kids’ educations suffered while away from school – hogwash! They developed tremendous proficiency. They’re ready for anything now!” he added.

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Study traces words that senior golfers use in talking to themselves on the course, finds widespread self-torture as 41% call themselves idiots, 25% morons, 15% dopes, 10% nitwits, and 9% boneheads

 

   “Golf turns to outright self-torment. We have no idea why these people do this to themselves!” said Elias Q. Snoops of Eavesdrop & Associates, which studied the muttering habits of 22,500 golfers, both men and women.

    Sources report that Mr. Snoops’ statistics also showed roughly forty-two million vulgarities, profanities and obscenities among the golfers – an average of 1,867 per round – but he declined to comment.

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Retirees in recent years have been flocking to Arizona, lured by the friendly culture – happy, smiling faces and hearty welcomes from charming locals

 

   “You can walk into any place and feel it in the air – you’re immediately sold!” said Erwin P. McFlush, who moved from Middle Cheesehead Depot, Wisconsin, to Tucson.

   “So, OK, maybe a few long-time residents may be a little rough around the edges,” acknowledged his wife, Feta, “but you give ’em a rattlesnake to teach ’em manners, they come around right away.
  “Why squat with your spurs on?” she added. “Just jump right in and join the merriment!”

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42 men tie for senior tennis club championship after umpire calls in sick and no players can remember the score after three games, let alone a whole set

 

   “We weren’t even sure how many games had been played in each match, so we called it quits after 45 minutes for everyone,” said co-winner Wilfred Q. Bummshautz of Dusty Javelina, New Mexico.

   The women’s matches had been played the day before – 'just like a normal tennis day, with lots of cussing, swearing at the umpire and smashing of rackets,’ a spokeswoman reported.

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Retiree loves to expose grandson to hobbies so that boy can discover passions, spending weekends with him engaging in chess and card games, model railroading, fishing – and cooking while sticking vegetables up grandpa’s nose

 

   “Boy, it felt good when he got it out of there – thank God he didn’t use the bigger carrot!” said Eustace G. Willikers of Crumbling Millworks, Massachusetts. “This was great – he learned there are limits to everything and seems to be developing great spatial skills.

   “We pretty much let him do what he wants. And who knows – he may become an engineer after all this,” added Mr. Willikers. “It did my heart good when he looked at a pumpkin and could tell right off that it wouldn’t fit.”  

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Happy seniors offer blueprints for wonderful marriages late in life: warmth, sensitivity, understanding, support and the good sense to avoid doing or saying anything to each other that could land you in prison

 

   “At a certain point you learn to keep your mouth shut, avoid eye contact, turn your hearing aid off and do as you’re asked,” said Harvard Psychology Professor Eloise F. Prattleworth.

   She added, “Just smile, say ‘yes’ to every request and then go about your task, whether it’s doing the dishes, folding the laundry, sealcoating the driveway or inviting your in-laws over for a few weeks. You’ll never be happier!”

                                                                          * * *

Embarrassing senior moment #36,485,692:

You were talking to her, but barely listening, and when she told you she was on her way to her aunt’s funeral, you replied, ‘Good for you – have a GREAT time!”

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   “It happens more than you think!” said Dr. Shirley Q. Schrumpf, president of the American Psychological Association. “Someone could tell you that he’s on the way to the hospital for open heart surgery and you could utter something totally inappropriate like, “You lucky dog. I wish I were going!”

   Remember: People really don’t want to be congratulated for smashing up their car, or losing their cat, or developing toenail fungus!” she added.

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Annoyed wives encourage homebody husbands to make the most of their retirements by getting out of the house and taking up fun, harmless hobbies for healthy and wholesome relaxation

 

   “Abner has spent far too much time just moseying around indoors and sighing since he retired a year ago,” said Ruby F. Schlumpburg of Lower Goober Town, Arkansas. “The virus hasn’t helped, but it’s high time that he get the hell away from the TV.

   “I hope he takes to the bungee-jumping,” she added. “We have a real nice 1,000-foot cliff in the next town – give him a great opportunity to get a little exercise and improve his blood pressure.”

* * * 

Sensual couples amaze scientists by seducing each other well into their golden years, building nightly anticipation with saucy teasing, racy and silky clothing, and steamy whispers and touches that lead to hours of magical ecstasy

   “Who says you can’t have wild days and nights with each other after 40 or 50 years together?” said Dr. Randy Eratowicz, a New York City marriage counselor. “Couples like these can keep the passion going pretty much every day of their lives.

   “They are so obsessed with presenting themselves at their sexy best that many of them even set the alarm an hour early to make time for morning delight,” he added, “before they’ve even had their first sip of prune juice!”

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Seniors becoming fanatical early birds for everything, leaving hours ahead of time for all sorts of appointments – just in case of traffic or parking snags, natural disasters, the Second Coming or an early run on Chunky Elvis ice cream

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   “Some of these people are going a little coocoo, thinking worst-case about everything,” said Dr. Shirley Q. Schrumpf, president of the American Psychological Association. “I’ve even heard of people staying in a hotel next door to their doctors’ offices the night before an appointment, even if they live just four or five miles away.

   “I think it’s time to get worried, though, if you leave the day before just to take advantage of a sale on Metamucil,” she added.

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70-year-old man not sure he's ready to retire, says he still has  unflappable disposition, excellent interpersonal skills, and relishes the relaxed, stress-free environment

 

   “I don’t feel any different than I have for the last 58 years,” said CPA Aloysius F. Lecter of Skunkletown, Pennsylvania. “I mean, the boss is great unless he’s cutting my pay or screaming at me, the customers are uniformly wonderful so long as they don’t swear and slam down the phone, and my co-workers are a fun group, always laughing around me.”

   Warned his son, Hannibal, “If he does retire, I want to make sure he’s got a mission. I could see him going bonkers if he didn’t have anything to do.”

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Ah, profound love, tremendous passion, animated and uplifting conversation, a celebration of intense romance and togetherness – it can only be one thing: Wine Time!

 

   “It’s that time of day when retirees across the country come alive after a day of moaning and creaking and crabbiness and of staying out of each other’s way,” said Dr. Blanche P.   Witherswick, president of the U.S. Geriatric Psychology Society.

   “Thank God they have that happy hour,” she added. “It’s amazing how cheerful and effervescent these people can become for an hour or two before getting back to their usual cranky selves.”

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Retired couple spends hours practicing wide smiles each day, stretching facial muscles to the point of soreness in effort to avoid looking like their dog

 

   “Most people think their dogs are cute – many of us end up adopting pups that look even a little like us, but others make no pretense that their best friends aren’t, um, going to win any beauty contests,” said Seymour Hyding, president of the American Veterinary Medical Association.

   “Nevertheless,” he added, “we recommend that the pooches’ parents maintain their own identity and habits. After all, we don’t want humans to go around wagging their tails on public sidewalks, hanging their tongues out, or eating out of bowls on the floor at restaurants.”

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As seniors spend more time at home, residents of 55+ communities savor the very best of condo living – quiet, soothing lifestyles, considerate next-door neighbors, and utter respect and privacy

   “We all treat each other with nothing but dignity, deference and courtesy,” said Atticus P. Tumulty, president of a massive homeowners’ association in Clearwater.

   “We are so lucky to live here together,” he added, turning on his hearing aid as Led Zeppelin blared next door and the floor above rumbled from jumping jacks.

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Woman whispers lovingly and soothingly to flowers, discovering at last a cluster of cells that appears to absorb the spoken word infinitely better than husband’s brain matter

 

   “My babies have grown and grown,” said Rebecca G. Winklepicker of Gooseneck Barnacle, Oregon. “I talk to them for hours at a time, moving along the wall, trying to give every one of them some attention.

   “I don’t let Woodrow anywhere near ’em,” she added. “With all that grunting and groaning and babbling, these babies would curl up, dry up and droop!”

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Couples bark and growl at each other over bedroom lights, temperature, sleep schedule, TV, snoring, noise level – and warn spouses to keep their paws off too much of the blanket

 

   “These are just typical nights for couples who still insist on sleeping in the same bed together after 40 or 50 years,” said Harvey P. Thrasher, president of the American Insomnia Foundation.

   “For heaven’s sake, their blood pressure and stress levels will go down 50 percent if they just snooze apart. Cripes, just stop hounding each other!”

                                                                         * * *

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On the road at last! As states reopen, wives and husbands start taking social distancing from each other to new levels – ratcheting it up from six feet to six time zones

    “They’ve never been hemmed in with the spouses like this – ever,” said Dr. Shirley Q. Schrumpf, president of the American Psychological Association. “It’s like they’ve been lined up on the track before the start of the Indianapolis 500 and have been waiting for the starter to wave the flag so they can floor it.

   “We’re confident that they’ll be back together within a few days, though,” she added. “They’ll get tired of squabbling with themselves.”

                                                                            * * *

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Potential condo owner asks to read latest HOA rules, discovers 5-cent fines for trying to skip ahead in outhouse line, ban on all but one bath per month, and week-long eviction for hanging skivvies on clothesline on Sundays

 

   “I couldn’t believe it!” said Buster Q. Sneesdust of Noodle Doosie, Pennsylvania. “I mean, come on, you’d think they could have updated the rules at least once in a hundred and fifty years! I know that you usually have to move heaven and earth to change these things, but cripes!”

   Added his wife, Priscilla, “We’re thinking we’ll take a pass on this place, maybe find another association that at least allows console TVs and iceboxes.”

                                                                             * * *

Woman shows up for pickleball lessons at posh Palm Beach club, is turned away for even brief trial membership as horrified board officials tell her she’s woefully underdressed

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   “They had a gemologist there to weigh the number of carats in my jewelry, and I fell about ten million dollars short with the tennis bracelet alone!” said Lauralee Q. Schtump of Silky Swamp, Florida, a wealthy suburb of Palm Beach. “Plus, I brought a new $2,000 racket that they thought would embarrass other members, as the frame didn’t contain an inlaid Hope Diamond or rubies, emeralds and sapphires.”

   Said a source on the membership committee, “She carried a bag containing only custom Neiman Marcus tennis shoes. How bourgeois! Imagine the gall – not even platinum stilettos for regular court play!”

                                                                          * * *

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Husband, feeling lucky, announces that he’s as virile as a 20-year-old, swears that he can go all night; wife says he’d be lucky to stay awake for 30 seconds after lying down.

 

She overestimates by 15 seconds.

 

   “He claimed that he was feeling 50 years younger,” said Adeline F. Woodfaller of Drooping Eyelids, Idaho.

   “Unfortunately, it was all in his head, and had not migrated to other regions,” she added. “He’s always out like a light the second his head hits the pillow, and this time was no different. I think maybe there’s a little rust in his lust. But, God bless him, he meant well.”

                                                                          * * *

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Seniors receive exotic new haircuts and styles from the comfort of their own homes as relatives fill in for beauticians whose salons have been declared nonessential businesses

 

   “Nonessential my foot!” complained Hilda F. McWeasle of Middle Ducktail, Alabama. “Are these governors nuts? I had my husband cut my hair, and it’s going to take a decade to undo the damage!”

   Mrs. McWeasle, who said she had to order wigs from Amazon, added, “When this is over I want to see these governors get haircuts from their spouses. Let’s see how long they stay in office!”

                                                                           * * *

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After months cooped up and eating the same foods at home, couple at long last finds open restaurant, celebrates with exquisite dining experience – best-tasting meal in months – at Popeye’s

 

   “OK, so we had grape juice, but it was so liberating to eat something different outside our own home and get all gussied up!” exclaimed Genevieve J. Schnorts of Lower Bumfuzzle, Kentucky. The salads and fried chicken certainly topped the old canned hash and macaroni and cheese.”

   Gushed husband J. Wellington Schnorts, channeling Popeye on all that home cooking, “That's all I can stands, 'cause I can't stands no more! Now I can’t waits no more for Chick-fil-A and Fuddruckers to opens!”

                                                                          * * *

Man recalls old photo of himself grinning sheepishly to avoid upsetting his bride, realizes that he’s used the same expression pretty much nonstop for 50 years

   ”I guess I’m still petrified of Schmoopsie’s disapproval,” said Tim R. Ruscz of Upper Swamp Rat, Louisiana. “I don’t know why – it’s like this fear is ingrained.

   “Boy, you can take that photo, remove three-quarters of the hair, change what’s left to gray, substitute a T-shirt that says, ‘I Don't Need Google, My Wife Knows Everything!’ …  and I’m still that anxious kid,” he added.                                                               

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Sarasota judge, sick and tired of seniors who drive way too slowly on city streets, imposes maximum punishments, inflicts great misery by sentencing scofflaws to two years of ballroom dancing lessons, bans on early-bird dinners

   “I will show no mercy! I don’t care how much they beg for jail time instead! We need to end this epidemic once and for all!” said Judge Rufus X. Collywobbles.

   “Honestly,” he added. “Ten miles an hour in a 35 zone? Two miles an hour in a 15 zone? You get caught, I throw the book at you. You do this twice and you have to take synchronized swimming lessons, too!”

                                                                          * * *

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Husband prepares to flee house as exasperated wife calls from bathroom and asks why he can NEVER remember to replace empty toilet paper roll

 

   “Damn, I did it again!” said Alphonsus Q. Hickinbottom of Trout Snout, New Hampshire. “I don’t know what it is – I must have some kind of mental block. Maybe I’m just trying not to use too much since the hoarding began around this town.”

   Mr. Hickinbottom was last seen driving to the local gas station to use its grimy men’s room after his wife, Olympia, hid the last few rolls of TP and sent him on his merry way.

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Veterinarians report that dogs are rethinking concept of unconditional love as they get bummed out hearing cranky humans bicker, sigh and moan during quarantines

 

   “This is a historic development, and it’s particularly pronounced with elderly couples, who may be together 24/7 for the first time ever,” said Seymour Hyding, president of the American Veterinary Medical Association. “These dogs are fatigued, they’re sleeping way too much, their appetites have declined, and they’re irritable.”

   He added, “We believe that pets will gradually become less dejected once people can get away from each other. Otherwise these dogs, once off the leash, may bolt a few hundred miles and rejoin wolves for less a stressful existence.”

                                                                       * * *

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As many seniors remain at home, they alter routines, taking advantage of every opportunity to develop healthy habits for indoor lifestyles

 

   “This illness has given many people the chance to take stock of their own health and to adjust their behavior to a life inside four walls,” said Imogene P. Statkowski, president of Krankcawl Polling LLC, which conducted a nationwide survey of retirees.

   She added, “Respondents say they feel great, and no wonder – they report eating only healthy salads and light meals to avoid any weight gain.”

                                                                          * * *

Women of a certain age fondly recall early days with sweet, sensitive, handsome husbands, report seeing them much differently as they spend more time together in retirement

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   “My honeybun sure has changed,” lamented Shirley F. Wartzburg of Creaky Joint, Arizona, shaking her head. “I used to stare at him in pure adoration when we were first married. I could not get enough of him. He was so gorgeous and loving.

   “Now I’d give anything if he could be as friendly and handsome as Darth Vader, or Freddie Krueger from Nightmare on Elm Street,” she added.

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Sisters skunk hubbies in pool volleyball after the guys expend all their energy emptying dishwasher for half an hour

 

   “Our strategy worked! These knuckleheads should have known they wouldn’t be competitive!” said Shirley ‘Spike’ Slambach of Sweaty Palms, California. “All that vigorous exercise beforehand that they’re not used to? Ha!”

   The women sat by the pool and drank wine after the match as the husbands snored nearby on lounge chairs.

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Spouses get their romantic stud muffins and sweetie pies back as sleep apnea machines help stop snoring, snorting and grunting – and as roof tiles stop clattering all night

   

   “I can finally sleep in peace after all these years!” exclaimed Virginia Q. Snootzer of Muggywump, Florida. “The noise level is down like 99 percent, and we finally have our lives back.”

    Asked if the whining, humming and whistling of the machine disturbs her, she replied, “Oh, heavens no. I still wear industrial-strength earplugs. But after all these years of bouncing up and down on the bed in cadence with Roscoe’s snoring, hey, that’s nothing!” 

* * *

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Long-married seniors – who have been driving each other nuts while cooped up in the same four walls 24/7 during virus pandemic ­– celebrate as they get through weeks without facing murder charges

 

   “Thank God I didn’t kill him!” said Lucinda P. Fuzzybutz of Sticky Overshoe, Maine. “I didn’t realize he had a zillion obsessive-compulsive habits that he’d been hiding, like cleaning his ears with toothpicks, taking 14 bites out of every little square pretzel, or talking like Yogi Bear in the bathroom. Cripes. I can’t wait till he’s out of the house again.”

   She added, “Now if only the World Health Organization would order social distancing for us old couples – like for a decade. It may take that long to recover!!!”

                                                                          * * *

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Friendliest and warmest residents of Tampa retirement community are elected to run HOA, vowing congeniality and the utmost respect for all ideas, comments and criticisms

 

   “We won’t be like some of those other associations that have ultra-conservative people who get defensive if you look at them sideways!” said Josiah Q. Slothowicz, the newly elected president.

   “Even those gadflies – the ones who harp and harp and harp on the same issues for decades – will get a full airing,” he added, as he cut off comments at the first public meeting after the board received congratulations and compliments from friends and relatives.

                                                                          * * *

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Toddler is in stitches as newly retired grandparents start to make Arizona horsemanship dream a reality, but decide after trying to mount ponies for 45 minutes that they’ll take up pinochle instead

 

  “Dang, they was moanin’ and groanin’ and constantly belly-achin’, yellin’ ‘ouch’ and ‘yikes’ and ‘whoa, whoa’ when the horses hadn’t even moved an inch!” said riding instructor Dusty Spurstine.
    “I think they was fixin’ to gallop halfway to New Mexico, but they never got to the saddle,” he added. “Maybe they’d best do their dreamin’ by signin’ up for the Horse Opera Channel.”

                                                                        * * *

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Senior woman nominated for Nobel Peace Prize after putting forth superhuman effort to keep her mouth shut with prospective daughter-in-law as young woman lives with family for two months

   “It would be easier to remain silent if I slammed my toe with a jackhammer, or if I came face to face with Jaws!” exclaimed Frieda Grouse of Wailing Falls, North Dakota.

    “This girl is sickeningly sweet. Every. Single. Second. It would be much better if she were human, like if she were insensitive, overbearing, mean or sarcastic, but she’s not,” the elder woman’s husband wrote in the application to the Nobel committee. “I’m also asking the Pope to canonize my wife as a saint!”

                                                                         * * *

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Woman celebrating milestone birthday waits patiently as a dozen senior friends rush out of party and race home for triple-extra-strength denture adhesive after learning that cake is frosted with gooey, sticky icing

 

   “I think they all figured that the cake would be iced with the usual simple whipped-cream frosting, not a gooey caramel mixed with sticky fudge,” said Roberta Q. Cakewick of Punkeydoodles Corners, Ontario. “We didn’t want to have a flying-denture derby, so I warned them all about the ingredients. Nice of my hubby to get this cake, but he’s not aware of all the needs of this crowd.”

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Illustration via Shutterstock

                 Great moments in retirement history:

 

 

Embarrassed retiree who keeps forgetting to put trash can out on curb every Monday evening retreats to back room, passes the time scribbling maddeningly indecipherable gibberish

 

   “Poor Albert. He can be such a dunderhead – so scatter-brained!” said the man’s wife, Elsa Einstein. “I put notes up everywhere – on the refrigerator, on the trash can, on the bathroom mirror, in his pipe, even on signs along the sidewalk so that he’ll get a reminder while he’s out on his daily walks.

   “Nothing seems to work,” she added. “I’m thinking maybe I should have married someone with at least a double-digit IQ!”

                                                                           * * *

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As ‘gig economy’ broadens – and individuals work gigs, or temporary jobs, without benefits – self-indulgent Baby Boomers get more creative, hire housekeepers and maids who will work under the table just for pats on the back and occasional treats

 

   “This is great – we didn’t have to hire full-time employees and pay health care premiums or Social Security and Medicare taxes,” said Barkley Q. Woofowicz of Muddled Caucus, Iowa. “We didn’t have to change our standard of living, and these workers seem to trust us unconditionally and never give us any guff.”

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After years of getting stuck in self-checkout lanes at Orlando grocery store during lunch hour, new retiree gets revenge, sets world record of 7 hours, 42 minutes to key in produce codes

 

   “Cripes – and she claimed to be tech-savvy!” said one local office worker who was stuck behind her for a while. “I waited so long to check out my salad that I had to take some vacation time! First it was five minutes to find the code sticker, then she had to key the item, then re-key it, and then call an associate for help because she put in the bananas 25 times!”

   “Ha! That was great!” said the new retiree, Gladys P. Idlewilde. “Maybe I’ll see if I can break this record in another week or two.”

                                                                          * * *

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Javelinas, with razor-sharp teeth and putrid musky-skunk smell, join coyotes, rattlesnakes, pythons and alligators in dotting sunbelt and showing new retirees how to enjoy the great indoors.

   “The wildlife here is spectacular!” said Oscar P. Dustdevil, who moved from Iowa to Extra Crispy, Arizona, just south of Tucson. “My favorite times are sunrise and sunset, and I can watch the animals and the gorgeous skies right from the comfort of my own living room.”

   “But then again,” he added. “We have no complaints. Better than 15-foot alligators and massive pythons that grace other states!”

                                                                    * * *

Woman’s CPA hubby has shortest retirement in history as he wakes up on day one, invades wife’s turf by marking up her checkbook in red, and demands spending cuts, ten-year budget and strategic planning meeting

 

   “I sent Leonard back to the family accounting firm at 10 a.m.!” said Penny Pinscher, who has managed the household finances and investments for 40 years. “This knucklehead clearly had not listened when we talked about sharing chores, supporting each other through this transition, and making sure that neither of us trampled on the other’s space. He won’t retire for another 20 years after this!”

   Leonard was working until midnight and could not be reached for comment by a reporter for Guinness World Records.

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As couple begins to renew vows and take second honeymoon, husband panics after suddenly realizing that he forgot to clean out lint trap in dryer and may have neglected to empty crumb tray in toaster

 

   “I’m in for it now!” exclaimed a contrite Frederick Q. Grovelmaus of Looney Mountain, Vermont, who was desperately trying to figure out how to get his brother to drive 200 miles, call a locksmith, and correct these mortal sins – before the blessed couple returned home in two weeks.

   “What a way to begin the next chapter,” he lamented. “Hortense will kill me if these things aren’t fixed. Well, at least I finished the laundry and didn’t leave the seat up on the john. I hope.”

                                                                         * * *

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Seniors by the thousands are keeping the love alive with soft touches, sweet words and rapturous ‘afternoon delight’ – 30-minute naps with dazzling afterglows

 

   “Boy, when we were in our 20s and 30s, ‘afternoon delight’ meant hours of unending passion,” said Marjorie Q. Schtolfoops of Pocked Spud, Idaho. “Now the passion is for one of those naps, ones that don’t make us so groggy or cranky that we can’t sleep for four nights!”

   Added her husband, Snafoo, “If we start nodding off around 7:30 or 8, we know the afterglow is a home run!”

                                                                          * * *

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Woman is among six lifelong friends who are proud to have endured seven days in the Caribbean, are thrilled that it’s nearly time to fly home to cranky husbands, cooking, cleaning johns, mopping floors, and changing the oil

 

   "It's been a blast of sunshine, great food, pina coladas, swimming, dancing, reggae music and perfect weather, but at our age, going to bed early with our dear husbands is really our idea of fun!" said Betty Snortsalott of Slimy Salamander, South Carolina.
  “Give us a day of laundry, floor-mopping, bingo, an early dinner and an hour of watching the evening news – with commercials for drugs that all seem to have death as a side effect –and we’ll show you the perfect day.”

                                                                            * * *

New retiree dives into aquatic class with older community residents, absorbs so much hairspray in water from permanent do’s that hair turns to steel and she can no longer fit in car, sleep in her own bed, or walk through her house

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   “I can’t even budge it!” complained Ruby S. Stiffnaegle of Blue Rinse, Florida. “I tried sleeping next to my husband but the hair was so sharp that he felt he was being stabbed.

   “At this point I’m pretty sure I need to get a bald cut, but I’m having a hard time finding extra-strength industrial-grade scissors that will cut through sheet metal,” she added. “They tell me they may not make anything that strong!”

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Couple, anxious to make friends in Myrtle Beach retirement community after a year, are always the first to greet new residents, still find it bizarre why their social life hasn’t started to blossom

 

   “I just don’t get it,” said a frustrated Bobbie Jo Schnookz, who moved from of Barbecue Spit, Missouri, with her husband just after they retired. “We’re out there every day like we’re running for office, kissing old ladies and shaking hands, showing our down-home sense of humor, but people just don’t seem to warm up to us.”

   “I think we made a huge mistake,” bemoaned her hubby, Igor. “Our son told us just to be ourselves, which we’ve done, but it doesn’t work here like it did in the Spit. I sure won’t get elected governor again. Nope, not down here!”

                                                                         * * *

                                                                         

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Stanford anthropologists announce stunning discovery of couple in rural Spanish countryside who report that they genuinely love every minute of each other’s company, have never had to compromise, and have laughed their way through 55 years of marriage

 

   “These two have made history!” exclaimed Dr. Fabius Q. Metatarsus, who has been on sabbatical for 45 years looking for empirical evidence that such behavior actually exists somewhere on Earth. “This appears to be unique to human history – unending love and unceasing good humor toward each other.

   “Strikingly, the couple still feels this way even after raising eight children. The only odd things are that they are so intently focused on each other that they report having had a hard time remembering their children’s names, and they appear to have forgotten how to ride a bicycle.”

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After new retiree lounges around the house for six months, family court judge rules that wife suffers from Retired Husband Syndrome, sentences hubby to clean toilets daily, wash his own underwear, make his own lunches and stay out of the house 10 hours a day

 

   “Clearly this poor woman has suffered severe emotional trauma from RHS since this guy stopped working,” said Boca Raton Judge Farquar Q. McFarquar. “She’s stressed, frustrated and not sleeping, and he complains about everything and wants to be waited on hand and foot while he watches soap operas. That ends now!”

   Judge McFarquar added, “If Defendant disobeys said order and does not join clubs or start hobbies, he will be washing underwear and cleaning toilets for the whole neighborhood. Give this poor lady a break! No wonder she took him to court!”

                                                                             * * *

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Woman who usually drinks just water and OJ in the morning has three cups of coffee, then mentions s-e-x, sending fellow retirees fumbling for smartphones to look up the unfamiliar word

 

   “I’m afraid I made something of a fool of myself,” said Hortense P. Demitaas of Crazed Eagle, Pennsylvania, outside of Philadelphia. “Suddenly I remembered that three-letter word, and it came out like a missile before I could stop it.”

   Added one of her fellow retirees, “It’s difficult to pull a name or a word out of your brain, but this one ... it took a while to remember its meaning. But we all agreed that, given the choice, we’d rather drink coffee than experience it anytime soon!”

                                                                       * * *

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Groundbreaking study pinpoints origins of infants’ first words, proving that ‘gaga’ and ‘googoo’ are not gibberish – they’re babies’ actual descriptions of grandparents’ crazed expressions and dreamy gleams of adoring rapture

 

   “We’ve always assumed that these were nothing but sounds, but we now have solid empirical evidence that babies can tell at about the age of two hours whether their grandparents are, in fact, gaga or googoo,” said the lead author, Yale Professor Felix Q. Faugibottom.

   “By viewing their reactions to grandparents’ various expressions, we proved that infants are born with an amazing ability to differentiate whether their grandparents are rational and level-headed, just plain silly, or totally nuts!” he added.

                                                                         * * *

Pixabay photo above; Shutterstock photo below

As Prince Harry and Meghan Markle semi-retire from ‘senior’ royal duties, couple begins life of financial independence by purchasing fixer-uppers in undisclosed Canadian province.

   “This is what we’ve dreamed of while battling all this stress in Britain!” the couple said in a statement. “We can’t wait to start updating these properties and show baby Archie what it’s like to build a fulfilling retirement from the ground up.

   “Our beloved Prince Charles offered to help finance this beginning of our journey, and we’ll be eternally grateful to him for enabling us to purchase these new estates!” they added.

                                                                           * * *

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Woman, giving all her attention to new pet, leaves with puppy on three-month RV trip and realizes after four days and 1,200 miles that she forgot husband at home

 

   “Well, I guess he’ll have to stay put!” said Adelaide Q. Stumpjumpa of Slippery Sleet, New Hampshire. “It’s way too late to turn back. He might as well paint the house, build a big play-room addition for our new family member, and replace the plumbing and electric in the rest of the house.”

   Meanwhile, her husband, Ralph, got to work, and in the evenings was reading a book titled ‘How an old dog can learn new tricks to get attention!”

                                                                            * * *

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Florida retirement community hires umpire to keep the peace during bocce and shuffleboard tournaments as savage, bloodthirsty retired hockey fans mock participants, cheer injuries, yell for fights and throw rubber alligators at players

 

   “These are the most obnoxious sports lunatics on the planet, and a lot of  'em are from Philadelphia!” said the umpire, Harvey Q. Stoopowicz. “They’re calling 90-year-old bocce players losers, idiots and imbeciles and screaming things like, ‘Whadder youse morons doin – cantchyas toss da bol like ya’s wasn’t dead, ya’s stoopid dorks?’ And they even threw snowballs at Santa Claus last Christmas!”

   Sources say that Mr. Stoopowicz is the fourteenth ump hired this year. Fans reportedly chased the first thirteen out of the village after dousing them with Yuengling Lager and flinging cheesy nachos and half-eaten Philly cheesesteaks at them.

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On last day of weeklong exotic and expensive fishing trip, man finally finds success, later takes out miniature yardstick and sends photo to wife showing that he caught 12-foot trout

 

   “This will buy me more time next year!” exclaimed Adolphus Q. Grumpledypschlitz of Whining Javelina, Arizona. “She bought it hook, line and sinker!”

   His wife, Greta, had the last laugh, though.

   “When he told me he couldn’t filet and ship that fish in dry ice because the thing was so oversized that he had to throw it back, I knew something was fishy,” she said. “Imagine him wrestling a 12-foot trout to release it? They’d be shipping him back!”

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Seniors who don’t get hundreds of Facebook ‘loves’ instead of ‘likes’ on photos of grandkids and grandpuppies take out frustrations by trouncing these boorish louts over the Internet in video games like Splatterhouse, Grand Theft Auto, and Resident Evil

 

   “These fearsome senior players have amazing endurance!” said Darth Q. Drednaught, president of The Grayer Slayers, a group of retirees who have become video-game aficionados with amazing lightning-fast coordination skills and killer tendencies.

   “If they get angry about Facebook, they’ll jump into these games, smash people to smithereens and make their opponents think they’re dealing with Vlad the Impaler!”

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Retirees – tormented by spouses who talk incessantly first thing in the morning – create social support club, take vows of silence and escape to park bench 3 mornings a week, merely nodding to each other

 

   “I couldn’t stand it!” said Joanna P. Jabberson of Sandy Tootsies, California. “I can’t shut Elmo up. He’s a nonstop chatterbox, especially right after he gets up, and it goes on for hours!”

   She added, “The only way most of us could get out of the house was to tell our husbands and wives that we’d joined a club. We call it the Order of the Rising Sun, and all our spouses know is that it’s a meditation group.

   “It’s saving our sanity!” she said.

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Latest trend? Spouses getting dogs trained to be backseat drivers in their absence, learning to bark when speed is too high or too low ... then jumping into front seat ... pressing imaginary brake pedal ... changing radio, volume and temperature knobs ... and howling about wrong turns

 

   “Our surveys consistently show that at least 99% of senior spouses don’t trust their husband or wife to drive competently,” said Aurelia Q. Crankshaft, president of AAA.

   “Many of them have trained their dogs to imitate their own yipping or yapping in the car,” she added. “And the dogs are doing a great job – so long as the drivers remember their hearing aids!”

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Noted dancer/singer shows off new spouse wherever they go, even stopping on street corners to allow local residents to gawk at amazing status symbol – her trophy husband!

 

   “Rufus is the epitome of a disco stud!” gushed Ember Q. Schnooler of Deep Coal Soot, West Virginia. “Everyone talks about the ‘wow’ effect that we bring together wherever we go. I knew the first second that he was the one. He has amazing rhythm, a great voice and a gorgeous 70s wardrobe!”

   Added Rufus, “The women seem to drool all over me. Or maybe that’s me drooling. I don’t know. But whatever, I seem to make Ember happy.”

          

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Many couples who fight like cats and dogs give it a rest during the holidays, showing soothing kindness and appreciation for each other as they re-energize before taking up battle positions again on Jan. 2

 

   “It’s uncanny. They have a sense that they need to behave like adults during the holidays!” said Dr. Shirley Q. Schrumpf, president of the American Psychiatric Association. “They have to de-stress and kick back, especially if they’re plain worn out.”

   But, she added, “There may well be a method to the madness for many couples: Neither person wants to give the other any ammunition by getting blamed for ruining the holidays – that could put a person at a severe disadvantage for the whole year!”

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After years of torture as Boston commuter by the rudest, craziest drivers on the planet, retiree gets rush-hour revenge, pulling stunts like failing to proceed through green lights, moseying along at 6 mph on major arteries, straddling lanes and inching onto highway ramps

 

   “I never thought that being passive-aggressive would be such fun!” exclaimed city resident Germaine P. Schnookowitz. “They don’t like it when I speed by them in the empty lane before a work zone and then merge with traffic at the very last second … or make a left-hand turn from four lanes to the right … or hop lanes around the rotaries. Well, too bad, because the chumps did that to me for fifty years!

   “Hey, what’s wrong with taking up three spaces by parking sideways at an office building – or blocking the entrance to a huge garage? Who cares?

   “Not me!” she added, smiling.

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Husband enjoys weekend while wife is away, dropping dirty laundry on floor, leaving the seat up, licking peanut butter off knife, hogging the whole blanket, and arguing with himself over highway directions – and winning!

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   “What a great weekend!” said Horace P. Slothowitz of Sticky Sap, Vermont. “I turned the toilet paper roll backwards, too, and watched underwater boxing and the Beverly Hillbillies until 3 in the morning. And imagine – wow, I lived to tell about it!”

   “Well, barely!” added his wife, Adelaide. “The dope didn’t clean up the house before I got home. He’s in time out right now and is grounded for a month!”

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Exhausted man wakes up at 5:15 p.m., 20 hours after an evening of listening to another retired couple call each other sickeningly sweet pet names, finish each other’s sentences, talk baby talk, blow air kisses, and joke incessantly about their matching sweatshirts

 

   “I can’t take this anymore!” lamented George Q. Snootz of Hell’s Half Acre, South Carolina. “I couldn’t eat my dinner. I’m a diabetic, and their conversation was so sweet that I could feel my blood sugar skyrocketing!”

   Mr. Snootz quickly fell back asleep for another 14 hours and promised his wife that he'd wear industrial-strength earmuffs if they ever got together with the same couple again.

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Retirees hire telepathy guru to finish sentences for them when they lose their train of thought during senior moments – and when they can’t remember why they got up and walked into another room

 

   “She’s lightning fast and truly amazing with this sixth sense of hers,” said Muffin Q. Crumpitt of Squinty Hog, Oklahoma, who hires her for herself and for her guests during parties. “No one ends up embarrassed because she just finishes our sentences seamlessly.”

   She added, “The guru said it’s also pretty normal to get up and forget why you find yourself in another room. But she warned that people might want to pay extra attention if they go into a bathroom and draw a blank on why they’re there!”

                                                                       * * *

Seniors carry on longstanding family traditions by inviting all manner of relatives for traditional Thanksgiving dinners, then drink plenty of wine and give hearty thanks – for not having to see some of these miscreants for another year!

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   “Thank goodness this day will soon be over!” exclaimed Rusty Nayles of Dusty Boot, Arizona. “No more stupid uncle tricks, dumb arguments, insults or odd odors and noises gracing our dining room table. Now it’s back to normal for 364 more days!”

   Added his wife, Penny Nayles, “It’s the wine that gets me through these affairs. Truthfully I don’t remember much about the last 20 of them!”

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Dog quickly asserts herself as head of household, trains human pet to observe numerous daily rituals at precise times, including six naps a day in the same stinky socks 

 

   “My owner has an innate sense of time to the minute,” said the pet, Roderick Q. Dormattz of Odor Eaters, Tennessee. “I have been trained to be exact – on-the-dot meal time, walk time, treat time, bedtime, you-name-it time.”

   He added, “Now if only I can get my owner to pay the bills, cook the meals, vacuum dog hair, pick up the gifts I get to bag during our walks, and file the taxes as head of household, well, I will have the perfect owner, and I’ll be as snug as a pug on a rug.”

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Residents rejoice as 20-minute rainfall obscures Phoenix sun for the first time in 11 months; city declares state of emergency and designates 'Arizona snow day,' closing schools, businesses, government offices and highways

   “Drivers – especially seniors – are hereby ordered to stay off slick city and state highways,” announced Mayor Roscoe Q. Tumbleweed. “Visibility has been extremely poor and driving would be suicide.”

   Meanwhile, residents of numerous retirement communities were celebrating.

    “We’re singing and dancing in the streets because we’ve been fried by the blazing sun for nearly a year!” said one resident.  “This is so easy on the eyes and we don’t need a quart of sunscreen for once!!”

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Man shrinks two inches every time he walks with his grandson, is expected to be same height as child within just a few months, doctors warn

 

   “Boy, it’s tough to bend down like that, but I’ll do anything for little Charlie,” said Romulus Q. Stoops of Slimy Algae, Georgia.

   “We love to see him as often as possible, and now it’s once a month,” added his wife, Priscilla. “That’s probably a reasonable frequency, or Romulus would be face to face with Charlie’s knees in no time!”

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Johns Hopkins researchers believe that Missouri man has been reincarnated as Shar-Pei, with same expressions, mannerisms, stubborn streak, tendency to bark at strangers – and exactly the same hat

 

   “My husband, Elmer, passed away two years ago,” said Sadie Q. Rinkelshaus of Show Me Something, Missouri. “When I was walking around the neighborhood and ran into this dog, he came running up to me with his tongue sticking out and started licking me all over. And then he barked nonstop, looking for food, just like Elmer. I just know it was him!”

   Scientists at Johns Hopkins carefully compared personality, habits, voice and other characteristics between Elmer and the pooch.

   “Yup, it’s him, all right,” they reported. “The only difference is that Elmer wasn’t always 100% housebroken.”

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Woman discovers that grandmother invented the word ‘Eewwww’ as writing on back of photo indicates that grandfather used to clip toenails in bed and use the bathroom with door open

   “I married the same kind of barbarian!” said Irma Q. Grosswiler of Rusty Still, Kentucky. “Cripes. It must be in the genes. What the hell was I thinking?”

   She added, “ ‘Eww’ doesn’t begin to describe it. He even uses my toothbrush sometimes, just like Grandpa. I wish we had separate bathrooms – or, better yet, separate houses!”

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Retired Canadian hockey players flood Arizona, Florida 55-plus communities and hockey rinks, prompting local dentists to lick their chops over extra business and major implant opportunities.

 

   “These guys just can’t stop skating, no matter what their age,” said S. Cary Needleman, D.D.S., president of the American Dental Association. “Our members are working 18-hour days, six days a week, and they’re booked five months out. They’re exhausted, but they’re also buying waterfront condos in the Caribbean with all this money.”

   Needleman added that the association is trying to recruit dental surgeons from around the world to ‘fill the gaps.’

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Toddler kept entertained as visiting grandparents methodically go through two-hour morning routines, sighing and groaning, hair like squirrels’ nests, knocking on bathroom door and hollering ‘emergency!’ every five minutes

 

     “Once Daisy got over the initial shock of seeing her great-grandfather grousing and squinting in the daylight and inching blindly toward the coffeemaker, she had a ball,” said the girl’s mother, Francine Q. Snoodnik of Alligator Breath, Florida. “She’s laughing nonstop now, and it’s just day two.

   “We may want to extend the week-long visit,” she added.

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Husband wakes up after 8 hours, jokes that he's sore in all 850 muscles and 360 joints and feeling as if he’s just been sacked by half the Pittsburgh Steelers defense – after wild night of bland chicken, a little ice cream and 8 p.m. rerun of The Honeymooners

 

   “Back in the day I could party like a madman, eat wings and spicy Mexican food and hotdogs and beer nuts and fried pickles, washed down by ten beers, and I’d feel better than I do this morning!” said Ralph Q. Hurtzalautz of Dusty Boots, Colorado.

   “Now I can’t even find a comfortable sitting position, let alone get out of the chair and go to the damn john!”

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Retirees’ pets dread birthdays, holidays and other embarrassing dress-up occasions – even chew up calendars, drag costumes into the trash, and bury mobile phones in backyards to stop electronic reminders of such events

 

   “They are trying all sorts of methods aimed at making people forget the holidays!” said Seymour Hyding, president of the American Veterinary Medical Association. “They will do anything to avoid getting humiliated in front of their peers. Retirees are the biggest offenders, because they have more time.”

   He added, “We are busiest right before birthdays and holidays, not to mention Halloween, with phones ringing off the hook. People think something’s horribly wrong with their pets – they say they’ve never heard such whining, hiding under beds or other odd behaviors.”

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Retirees from Florida to Arizona and beyond haul out parkas, hoods, hats, gloves and scarves as major arctic air mass sends temperatures plunging to 65 degrees overnight

 

   “I’m pretty sure that I could see my breath when I went out to get the paper this morning!” said Harry Glands of Sunken Dinghy, California.

   Added his son, Solon Glands: “I think from what I’ve seen that the old set starts shivering when the temperature drops to the same number as their age, and my Dad is 80. Mom is 84. I think maybe I’ll start a business selling parkas on the beach when the temperature drops below 90.”

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Couple feels as if they have a new lease on life as husband sets personal record by getting up only three times to use the john overnight – for the first time in years

 

   “I can’t believe how rested we feel!” exclaimed Bartholomew Q. Battleschmear of Crooked Boot, Montana. “Poor Daisy and I are usually awakened four or five times by my nighttime wanderings, but this – this was heaven!”
   “It was phenomenal!” added Daisy. “I think I’ll have to take only two or three naps today. This could change our lives if it becomes a routine!”

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Children enlarge their parents’ wedding photo as 50th anniversary gift so that couple in their golden years can fondly recall the blessed day – the happiest, cheeriest and most euphoric moment of their 51 years together

 

   “Wow! Can you believe that Mom and Dad were this happy when they got married?” one of the couple’s two daughters asked her brother. “This is truly amazing – I mean they were obviously so much in love and totally enraptured!”

   “I agree!” exclaimed her brother. “I don’t think I ever saw Elmore and Sigrid Grimbus this elated! Who knew?”

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Retired character actors, still reeling from bringing up their daughter, get poetic justice by giving 5-year-granddaughter secret acting lessons on how to behave like 2-year-old and pitch annoying little snit fits

 

   “This kid is going to be great – almost as bad as our daughter!” said Hawkeye Q. Hambone of Sty Sludge, Iowa. “She’ll throw tantrums at home, at the mall, at parties, in church, you name it – and then laugh and tell people that she was just kidding!”

   Added his wife, Penelope, “We taught her how to do this all in good fun – largely with facial expressions and with a little annoying whining – but in a way where her mother is mortified through at least part of it.”

   Hawkeye smiled at their achievement. “She’ll get a week at Disney World every year so long as our daughter calls and says she’s at wit’s end with this kid!”

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Wife accompanies husband to doctor because he doesn’t hear a damn thing she says, discovers that he doesn’t need new hearing aids after all – the earpieces he has now are actually ear plugs

 

   “I’ll kill him!” said Boomquifa Q. Yelin of Upchuck, Missouri. “He bought these things six years ago when he retired. No wonder he doesn’t hear a word I say! The doctor said that this is common – wives don't listen, either, at this stage of life. Spouse talk is just background noise!”

   Her husband, Enoch, said that he got tired of hollering back and forth from different rooms in the house and having to get up constantly from his easy chair to go find out what she wanted.

   “I’ve just been nodding and grinning for six years,” he told the doctor after getting a perfect score on a hearing test.

   The doctor said that spouses' tuning out was common in about 98% of retiree households.

   “I think maybe I’ll start looking around for a specialist who can implant invisible plugs,” said Enoch, and Boomquifa vowed to do the same.

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After a prohibitively expensive first year, motorhome couple enjoys second year of the RV life by driving up and down their 50-foot driveway, reducing gas cost to $1,200 a month

 

   “We could have stayed at the Ritz last summer for what we had to pay on the durned thing!” said Fauntleroy J. Cucumber of Upper Bumpkin, Verrmont. “I know that a lot of people love this lifestyle, but for us it was too much of a fortune on insurance, taxes, new tires, repairs, campground fees, utilities – oh, and the mortgage. Eesh!”     

   Added his wife, Jezebel, “We can’t sell it because we’d lose our shirts with the depreciation, so we don’t bother to insure it and don’t have to pay these other fees. Luckily, we have a short driveway!”

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Overheated retired Arizona cyclist rides 20 miles in 110-degree heat, stops for water break, and misses his target – managing to hydrate only his helmet.

 

   “Damn, I did it again!” said Alphonsus Q. Gearhedd of Rickety Wagon Wheel, Arizona. “Last week I did a great job hydrating my ears, and the week before that I squirted the guy behind me.”

   His wife, Letitia, just shook her head.

   “I’m not surprised that he did it again. I hope he’s OK. He’s getting to the age where he can’t aim a damn thing!”

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Neatnik couple finds bliss by sharing household chores, tossing coin each morning to see who gets to degrease garage floor and oven for the day, and who wins the right to do windows, johns and dirt crawl space

    “We know that chores and cleaning duties are a major source of conflict for most couples, but we just can’t wait to get up in the morning and go at it!” said Xavier Q. Speckless of Tidy Bowl, South Dakota.

   Said Joanna, his wife: “Some couples are both slobs. And in others you have one slob and one fussy person. But we are truly unique – the only thing we really argue about is who gets to flip the coin and call heads or tails each morning!”

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Grandparents honor their daughter’s request to allow baby Alyssa to learn independence and feed herself, discover that for every pound of fruit, roughly one bite makes its way into child’s mouth

 

   “It will be nice when a spoon is involved and we don’t have to buy two hundred pounds of fruit every weekend she visits!” said grandmother Sadie Q. Goopchnoz of Center Seaweed, New Hampshire. “This stuff gets thrown all over the white tile and the walls.”

    “Hey, I can’t think of a better reason for taking out a reverse mortgage in retirement,” added her husband, Harvey. “The industrial-strength cleanings are costing a fortune, too.”

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Couple releases official 40th anniversary portrait with yawn – the happiest shot taken during 2 hours of bickering over thermostat settings, empty toilet paper rolls, and proper methods of loading the dishwasher and folding the laundry

 

   ‘I’ve never seen anything like this!” said the photographer, Elias Q. Shlapshautt of Cracked Lobster Shell, Maine. “They were like 5-year-olds -- nyah nyah this, nyah nyah that. Tough to shoot through razor eye slits, jaw drops, flared nostrils, squints, and eyeballs rolled up into their heads.”

   Amazed, he added, “The oddest thing was that when they were done, they walked out hand in hand and smiled at each other. Go figure!”

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Former high school gymnastics coach leads new ‘Basic Stretching and Balance’ class at senior club for two minutes – before participants begin making emergency calls to physical therapists and orthopedic specialists, and consider notifying next of kin

 

   “He’s newly retired, and I think he misread our physical limitations,” said association President Horatio Q. Stiffens of Bilgewater, California. “Some of us have a tough enough time raising our hand without falling over, let alone this!”
    The instructor, who had been hired to lead a simple limber-up class, reportedly said after he had been let go, “Cripes, can’t these people do simple pushups, lunges, handstands and squats? It’s not as if I had asked them to do triple flips off the balance beam, or fly over the vault backwards with a 2½ twist, or do four somersaults at the same time during floor exercises.”
   The instructor sped away on his BMX stunt bike and was last seen doing triple back flips on it through the Sierra Nevadas.

 

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New condo association president in Fried Pickle, Arkansas, gets a little full of himself, rents local cathedral and invites Archbishop of Canterbury to preside over coronation

 

   “I will be transported on a Cleopatra-style palanquin made of gold, platinum and diamonds and be carried by subjects who are late on their monthly HOA dues!” said Roscoe Q. Rexwinkle, who added that he would assume the name King Edward Albert Christian George Andrew Waldo David Roscoe VIII.

   After taking the oath, receiving the archbishop’s blessing, and presiding on the throne, he will proceed by horse-drawn carriage with his invested wife, Queen Fifi. The royal couple will wave to their subjects from their condo balcony, which overlooks the association’s dumpsters.

   Observers are hoping that his reign sets a world record for brevity.

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Seniors from local jogging club take steps in standard, age-appropriate, two-inch increments, finally finish Thanksgiving 5K race right after Labor Day

 

   “Hey, at least we didn’t get lapped by this year’s runners!” said Arthur Itys of Pothole Fill, Rhode Island. “People may laugh, but we’re in pretty good shape and totally elated after all this exertion!”

   The race’s cardiologist, Steven ‘Skip’ A. Beatt, was called in after organizers calculated that the final finishers had made it the last hundred yards in four days, twenty-two hours, and eighteen minutes.

  He pronounced them all fit and suggested that they enjoy a bowl of Rhode Island quahog chowder, rest up for a week and get a three-month head start on this year's race.

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North Carolina ophthalmologist, exhausted from reading seniors’ shaky chicken-scratch handwriting on endless medical forms, says he can no longer see straight, decides to retire and rest his eyes for a few years

 

   Dr. Harold A. Stigma, who was too overworked to enjoy his relaxing hobby – memorizing his treasured medical journals in the evening – recently closed up shop, hopped a plane, and parked himself in a lounge chair on a Caribbean beach.

   “Is that the ocean I hear? Are those waves breaking on the shore?” he asked, his eyes blissfully shut. “I’d like to check into a hotel, but if I have to fill out any forms, forget it! I couldn’t even read the top line of the eye chart in my office right now!

    “I’m just staying in this chair until someone finds me an ophthalmologist to straighten this out!!!

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Dogs like Schnookums are fleeing to their own safe havens from retirees’ incessant and annoying baby talk, going beddy-bye and night-night until din-din.

 

   “These high-pitched, sing-song, exaggerated tones are driving these poor dogs nuts!!!” said Seymour Hyding, president of the American Veterinary Medical Association. “It’s one thing if you’re training or playing or rewarding your pet, but after a while the pooch needs a pair of industrial-strength earmuffs!”

   Not everyone agreed.

   “Well, then, it should be nappy time for these doctors,” scoffed one pet lover, Amy Q. Barkauskas of Rotten Sneaker, Minnesota. “That wouldn’t be fair to my wittle angel puss Boopsie!”

 

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Retirees across the country are living the dream, learning the laid-back, stress-free game of golf and savoring the bucolic scenery and the tranquility of a soothing new passion

 

   “I never had time for golf during my busy medical career, but now I can go out there and have the time of my life anytime I like!” said Dr. Rufus Q. Putterdoodle of Deep Divot, Oklahoma.

   Added his wife, Helga-Jo, “This golf has turned out to be a boon for my art, too. I’ve started a sculpture garden in the front yard with his busted clubs, and golf enthusiasts from all over the state are coming to see what we’ve made together out of this relaxing sport. Even Golf Digest came by to interview us last week!”

   “The only problem,” she said, “is that we may need a bigger yard very soon!”

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With just one TV in their home, husband is subjected to daytime talk shows and the Hallmark Channel, hasn’t watched one TV program he likes since Laugh-In in 1972.

 

   “I try to outlast her – sometimes staying up all night and not even bothering to shower and shave, hoping to get a mere glimpse of professional wrestling or soccer,” said Melvin X. Tellio of Upton Snodsbury, Worcestershire, England, a town near North Piddle for those who may need a reference point. “But Maggie is right there with me every second, and here comes Judge Judy, and then Dr. Phil, and then reruns of the damn Gong Show!

   “Someday she’ll forget to say, “Don’t you dare change that channel!” when she makes a trip to the bathroom or the kitchen, but so far, damn it, she still remembers every time!” 

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Woman finds it sweet that man proposes to her after two electrifyingly potent beach cocktails, then reminds him, “We’ve been married for 52 years, you idiot!”

    “Boy, was he snockered!” said Daisy Hamm of Pork Shoulder, Iowa, as her husband lay on a couch in their cruise-ship cabin two days later with an ice pack on his head. “We’re used to just one occasional glass of wine and I think these sneaky drinks had six or seven ounces of pure booze. I could finish only a quarter of one, and I was pretty tipsy.”
   Her husband, Smithfield Hamm, moaned, groaned, and drank enough water to keep Poland Springs in business for a month.
   “Well, at least Daisy can’t say that I have bad taste in women,” he whispered.

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For normal retirees who can’t remember who they’ve told certain stories to, this couple – for twenty bucks and dinner – will laugh uproariously during your social gatherings and make guests feel lucky to have heard your jokes, even if for the twentieth time!

 

They are booked every night through 2032.

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   Meet the Human Laugh Track of Phoenix. They can be invaluable at parties and even during dinners with friends whom you’ve known for forty years. Whenever you tell a story, they howl and guffaw, and say things like “That’s one of the funniest things we’ve ever heard!” or, “Amazing – did you do standup comedy at Caesar’s Palace in Vegas?”

   The goal is to make your acquaintances think they’re spending time with a celebrity.

   The couple expects to create a nationwide Human Laugh Track. According to their business plan, based on in-depth studies of demographics and market needs, they expect millions in profits with as many as 50,000 employees.

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Retired English professor, a strong believer in talking to plants, whispers the first 20 lines of Beowulf, then watches in horror as weeds immediately sprout around her and flowers and plants curl up and die

 

   “It can’t be that wonderful 3,182-line Old English poem that all students just love – it must be something about my voice, or my tone, or whatever!” said a disappointed Lily Rime-Curdle of Creeping Vine, England.

   Dr. Rime-Curdle was rescued after the weeds grew around her neck.

   “She’da been better off talking in Latin,” said one firefighter. “The noise the flowers made was like a dragged-out, horrifying, final death rattle. Cheesis, that Beowulf stuff would kill every living thing within a fifty-mile radius!”          

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80-year-old woman digs deep hole in backyard to bury husband’s Viagra, saying, ‘It’s either the damn pills or ME that’ll end up down there!’

 

   “Waldo just got a prescription two weeks ago, and he’s been chasing me around the house day and night! Enough!!! complained Marjorie P. Willey of Lower Backache, Kentucky.

   “I want to get rid of these things forever,” she added. “For God’s sake, a peck on the cheek at Christmas or even a handshake would be just fine at our age!”

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Golf widow sets up challenging practice range in back yard so that hubby can practice to his heart’s content without continuing to drain the last of couple’s savings

 

   “I know he loves this and wants to spend all of his time on it, so let him swing away!” said Dolores Q. Tuffflye of Black Gnat, Kentucky. “As for me, I have plenty of time to do the laundry, mop the floors, clean the johns, do the dusting, rake the leaves, clean the gutters, mow the lawn, pay the bills, feed and walk the dog, cook the meals, clean the kitchen, paint the house and install a new septic system.”

   Mrs. Tufflye expressed only one regret.

   “I don’t have a chainsaw to keep the yard real neat, so I’m thinking of asking for one at Christmastime!”

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Green Valley, Arizona, retirees dispatch posse to offer ‘friendly warnings’ to anyone who calls after 8 p.m. and wakes them up

 

   “We got some pretty old residents here, and we’re real busy already since we started this little posse six months ago,” said CEO Amos Q. Stockenbarral.
   “We give ’em a polite warnin’ first time. If they call agin after 8 and wake the resident up, well, it ain’t yet no hangin’ offense, but we threaten a week in Florida in all that muggy heat.
   “Here in Arizona we'll take a hunerd and fifteen and dry any day!” he added, coughing a big, fiery cloud of dust.

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Couple celebrates 60th anniversary, attributes ‘blissful’ marriage to 59½ years of self-induced amnesia and massive wine cellar

 

   “I recall a beautiful six-month courtship and then I’ve pretty much forgotten the rest!” said Sofia Q. Fogginario of Floating Cork, South Dakota. “I never remember having had a single argument, or even a minor squabble. I guess this has been a perfect marriage!”

   “Such a glorious life! I forever agree with your every word, dear,” added her husband, Luigi.

    The happy couple believes that they celebrated their anniversary with a trip to Italy, but they’re not sure.