Updated from Ed LaFreniere’s Bait, Tackle & Sailboat Rental Shack in Scottsdale, Arizona.  You don’t stop laughing because you grow old. You grow old because you stop laughing. –	Michael Pritchard, comedian

This site reflects a two-year part-time labor of love. It will remain on the web. Hoping that you get some laughs!

The Retirement Sage

Straight-up advice with a twist of humor

   Once we get to retirement age, we typically are not shy about asking sensible questions. How do I handle a husband who’s a lazy slug, for example? Where can I find genuine friends without having to build a moat around my house and stock it with great whites and alligators? How do I find social support after leaving the workplace 

before my significant other goes nuts and heads to Mars? Where can I learn about the ever-elusive social explanation and causal mechanisms that led to the popularity of the Kardashians?

   Well, OK, let’s not get into that last one.

   The Sage has answered 32 questions about legitimate retirement issues, which he has been studying for 30 or so years. While he cannot yet solve the Boolean Pythagorean Triples problem (it would take a human 10 billion years to read the proof), he has a research and editing background to help you enjoy this stage of life.

   The columns are below. Hoping that you enjoy his Sage advice, he remains,

   Humbly Yours,

   The Retirement Sage

How to share household chores
without causing World War III
The art of arguing as a couple:
How to disagree, but agreeably
At what point are you officially old? 25 humorous questions 
Is sleeping in separate bedrooms
or beds a sign of a bad marriage?
How to make friends and join
social groups in retirement
Staying in touch with the 'friends' you leave behind after you move
The art of (not) discussing politics
with various types of individuals
'Breaking up' friendships: It's hard, but often essential, as lives evolve
Avoiding cabin fever: tips for
keeping your sanity and adjusting

Recalling lost loved ones in ways

that let you see them in good times

The etiquette involved in offering
inoffensive, kind condolences 
Filling the huge emotional, social
void after leaving the workforce

Pet-sitting: Before agreeing, keep yourself on a very short leash!

Helping others in tough times and
avoiding getting caught up in guilt
Driving each other nuts these days?
Some humorous suggestions
The pain of humiliation: How can we deal with it in any situation?
How to deal with potential friend who has a nosy, clingy neighbor
Facing a gossip and rumor mill?
Advice on how to quiet it down
Husband greatly alarmed as wife
appears to be on sad drinking path
How to throw neighborhood party
if you want to make a splash
Does 'Mr. Cheapo' have an issue
or is he just being penny-wise?

Wife wants to know how to get

husband buff and off his duff!

Don't rely just on the Internet
to find your retirement mecca!!!

Husband asks: Why do wife's​ odd habits from the workplace persist?

What might be wrong with my

newly demanding neighbor?

Could  new pet be good idea for a 76-year-old widow who lost dog?

Wife's plan to volunteer for hospice is worrying husband

Is husband's behavior really
just normal forgetfulness?

Advice for those thinking about cracking open next egg too early

Uh-oh! Husband a freeloader!

New-retiree syndrome a reality

Move near the kids? Don't kid yourself! Be ready for pitfalls

Sunbelt communities offering
an array of creative new sports

Genuine fake news: 150 satires about our 'Golden Years'

Site is built for laptops, desktops and most pads; don't go blind trying it on a phone!

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Couple that bickers nonstop spends most of 55th anniversary arguing over whether day is partly sunny or partly cloudy

   Joe and Fran Snipe, who neighbors believe have set a record for 55 years of squabbling – it seems to get their adrenaline going – spent the morning and afternoon of their anniversary quibbling over the sky conditions, and after the sun had set, they topped it off with a heartwarming donnybrook over who had left the toilet seat up.

   “It was a pretty good day overall,” Joe said. “Now we can look forward to our 60th. Maybe the kids will join us for that one. For some reason they’ve never explained, they live in Nunavut, Canada, where the temperature is 40 below on a good day, so I guess they weren’t able to get through the snow for our 55th.”

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Retired English professor, a strong believer in talking to plants, whispers the first 20 lines of Beowulf, then watches in horror as weeds shoot up around her and flowers and plants curl up and die


   “It can’t be that wonderful 3,182-line Old English poem that all students just love – it must be something about my voice, or my tone, or whatever!” said a disappointed Professor Penelope P. McSchmutz of Creeping Vine, England.

   Dr. McSchmutz was rescued after the weeds grew around her neck and shoulders.

   “She’da been better off talking in Latin,” said one firefighter. “The noise the flowers made was like a dragged-out, horrifying, final death rattle. Cheesis, that Beowulf stuff would kill every living thing within a fifty-mile radius!”          

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New California transplant flunks driver’s license test as he gets the state’s most important traffic hand signal wrong, missing by one finger

   “I guess I shouldn’t have bought these new glasses right before the test,” said Rodney X. Squinton, who retired to California from Boston a week ago. “Damn, I thought that Boston drivers were the worst ones with that gesture, but now I understand that people out here swear by it all the time.

   “I never got to the written license exam because I flopped on the first question. Even the DMV people use this gesture,” he added. “They don’t apologize or say anything like ‘you failed’ – they simply flash the one finger!”

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Hospital in Elephant Butte, New Mexico, releases police sketch

of 3 retirees who left restaurant with jittery and manic caffeine buzz after forgetting to order decaf and drinking second cup of

real coffee after 10 a.m.


    “This trio could be really dehydrated and their nervous systems may be in super high gear!” said hospital spokeswoman Sophie Q. Schlumpowitz. “If anyone sees them racing down the highway, or going on a spending spree at a mall, or, worse, ordering huge cups of regular Starbucks, stop them immediately and call 911!”

   She added, “Their relatives are frightened. They’re concerned that they’ll really go haywire and not be able to sleep for a week!”

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Johns Hopkins researchers believe that Missouri man has been reincarnated as Shar-Pei, with same expressions, mannerisms, stubborn streak, tendency to bark at strangers – and exactly the same hat


   “My husband, Elmer, passed away two years ago,” said Sadie Q. Rinkelshaus of Show Me Something, Missouri. “When I was walking around the neighborhood and ran into this dog, he came running up to me with his tongue sticking out and started licking me all over. And then he barked nonstop, looking for food, just like Elmer. I just know it was him!”

   Scientists at Johns Hopkins carefully compared personality, habits, voice and other characteristics between Elmer and the pooch.

   “Yup, it’s him, all right,” they reported. “The only difference is that Elmer wasn’t always 100% housebroken.”

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Clearwater condo association hires resident ‘enforcer,’ a retired Latin teacher who tortures rule violators by forcing them to memorize vocabulary, conjugate verbs and parse sentences


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   “Heaven help you if you mispronounce words or get the first conjugation, active voice, indicative mood wrong!” warned Aurelia Q. Romadivisa, a resident whom the association tapped five years ago to keep the peace.

   “She certainly is effective,” sighed one resident, who had been sentenced to a year and a half of Latin for snoring too loudly and for several other infractions.
   “She made me write on the blackboard 100 times, “Et non est in aliquis scriptor park macula” (I won’t park in someone else’s spot) … “Ego canis non mea puppis in flores” (I won’t let my dog poop in your flowers) … and “Vir sapit qui play music non ego autem tamquam stultus supersonic jet moron” (I won’t play music louder than a supersonic jet like a stupid moron).
   Sources say almost no rules are broken anymore.


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Retirees from Florida to Arizona and beyond haul out parkas, hoods, hats, gloves and scarves as major arctic air mass sends temperatures plunging to 65 degrees overnight


   “I’m pretty sure that I could see my breath when I went out to get the paper this morning!” said Harry Glands of Sunken Dinghy, California.

   Added his son, Solon Glands: “I think from what I’ve seen that the old set starts shivering when the temperature drops to the same number as their age, and my Dad is 80. Mom is 84. I think maybe I’ll start a business selling parkas on the beach when the temperature drops below 90.”

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Seniors hire telepathy guru to finish sentences for them when they lose their train of thought during senior moments – and when they can’t remember why they got up and walked into another room


   “She’s lightning fast and truly amazing with this sixth sense of hers,” said Muffin P Crumpitt of Squinty Hog, Oklahoma, who hires her for herself and for her guests during parties. “No one ends up embarrassed because she just finishes our sentences seamlessly.”

   She added, “The guru said it’s also pretty normal to get up and forget why you find yourself in another room. But she warned that people might want to pay extra attention if they go into a bathroom and draw a blank on why they’re there!”

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Wife of new retiree who’s averse to sharing household chores buys him ticket for freefall jump, is dismayed to learn that package includes parachute and experienced tandem instructor


   “This guy has now been retired for six months and I can’t budge him. He’s driving me nuts!” said Jasmine Q. Deertick of Chagrin Falls, Ohio. “He doesn’t leave the house, he makes a mess in every room, he has no hobbies, talks to his friends over the computer, and thinks he’s entitled to a vacation for the rest of his life. Baloney!”

   She added, “I’ll figure something out. I have a list – a ticket for solo waterfall kayaking in Niagara, wingsuit flying in the Alps, admission to the head of the line for the running of the bulls in Spain … At the very least, I’ll get the chump out of the house!”


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Toddler kept entertained as visiting grandparents methodically go through two-hour morning routines, sighing and groaning, hair like squirrels’ nests, knocking on bathroom door and hollering ‘emergency!’ every five minutes


     “Once Daisy got over the initial shock of seeing her great-grandfather grousing and squinting in the daylight and inching blindly toward the coffeemaker, she had a ball,” said the girl’s mother, Francine Q. Snoodnik of Alligator Breath, Florida. “She’s laughing nonstop now, and it’s just day two.

   “We may want to extend the week-long visit,” she added.

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Exasperated couples switch channels continuously to avoid barrage of election ads; ratings skyrocket for C-Span’s commercial-free Great Moments in Filibuster History and reruns of My Mother the Car


   “They can’t take it anymore, especially if they don’t subscribe to streaming services like Netflix,” said Dr. Shirley Q. Schrumpf, president of the American Psychiatric Association. “They’d do better to just turn the TV off and play Chutes and Ladders until November. Particularly at this age, the stress and anxiety levels are getting up there.

  “But it could be worse for them,” she added. “Imagine the couples who disagree passionately about the candidates –their lawyers are making fortunes!”

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Retired nun starts business, promising to break your spouse of any and all bad habits within fifteen minutes or your money back, leaving some trembling with dread and fearing a living hell

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   “I didn’t realize how many seniors have never learned – they embarrass their spouses in front of friends, look at their phones constantly at the dining table, drop their dirty clothes all over the place, leave the seat up,” said Sister Knucklebuster Paddlebutt. “You name it, I will break it, or you will be parsing sentences until you’re a hundred and ten years old!

    “This business is flourishing,” she added. “I’ve had to hire 40 of my fellow sisters in just a month. I think I may have to go national. Not one customer has asked for even a nickel back!”

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After doctor finishes physical, patient complains how tough it’s becoming to pull up wrinkled socks; he tugs and tugs, and finally realizes he isn’t wearing any


   “Damn, I even have wrinkles in my ankles!” said Darius P. McFoozle of Deep Toke, Oregon. “What’s next? The ears? The fingernails?”

   “I shouldn’t have chuckled, it’s kind of unprofessional,” said his doctor, Eugene J. Widderhins. “Usually I can hide the occasional cackle, but Darius took it in stride – especially after I told him I seem to buy the same brand of socks.”

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Woman gives her corgi the royal treatment, serving as his personal butler, compiling daily menu, serving gourmet food in silver bowls, and changing the sheets on his bed every day in his private room


Husband, meanwhile, serves as footman, taking pooch for three walks a day, picking up after him, and cleaning the bowls.


   “I know where I stand!” said Atticus P. Schmudge of South Slickpoo, West Virginia. “She’s doing this like Queen Elizabeth and her servants. And she even named the dog Prince Phillip.

   “I hope she doesn’t get a horse,” he added. “I don’t want to be demoted to stable boy.”

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Man is reminded that he hasn’t kissed his wife in eons, so he sets a romantic scene, waits for the right moment, moistens his lips, puckers up … and misses!


  “I guess I’m out of practice,” lamented Floyd F. Smoot of Waterlogged Polliwog, Washington. “I finally got it after half a dozen tries.

   “But I think I probably shouldn’t wait another four months for the next attempt,” he added.

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Senior is recognized by U.S. Marriage Counselors’ Association for stunningly unique accomplishment – getting a spouse to hear every word he or she says while the other one is watching TV or looking at a laptop or a phone


Sadly, she is forced to return trophy after shocking discovery


   “The knucklehead told me that he was on his phone all the time to keep track of other games while watching TV,” said Cecilia P. Schmoop of Upper Toad Hop, Indiana. “But he was actually using his phone to tape every word I said! Whenever I’d ask if he heard me, he’d read it back word for word using a speech-to-text app! And here the association believed that I was the only spouse or significant other in the country to have achieved this landmark breakthrough!”

   The husband, Abner, who is now living in a tent deep in woods 100 miles away, could not be reached for comment, as he has no phone or internet service.

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Couple takes weeks to finish first episode of hour-long Netflix drama because they keep falling asleep partway through it, figure that at this rate it will take them 5.69 years to get through the other 99 episodes


   “We just love this program in the evening – it gives us something to look forward to every day,” said Wilbur P. Dozowitz of Middle Mosquitoville, Vermont. “It’s a great program because it’s clean – no people’s heads are hacked off and there’s not even any vomiting.”

   Added his wife, Adelaide, “I just wish we wouldn’t keep falling asleep and having to rewatch it because we missed the plot twists. Maybe we should turn it on during lunch and hope that we don’t fall asleep in our soup.”

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After long drought in bedroom, man takes little blue pill, gets lucky with wife and feels so invincible that he believes he can walk on water


   “I was on cloud nine – as well as ten, eleven and twelve,” exclaimed Charlie Bunkum of Upper Balder Dash, Minnesota. “I was Superman, iron Man, Thor and Captain America all rolled into one. Until I sank, that is. Thank God I wasn’t in the shallow end of that pool.”

   His wife, Genevieve, acknowledged her hubby’s superhero fantasy.

   “I’m thrilled that he had one great night, but in everything else he’s still the Joker to me,” she said.

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Man arranges hot date for formal outdoor dinner at senior center and arrives at woman’s front door, but can’t shake nagging feeling that he’s forgotten something

   “I have my keys, my wallet, a few bucks, I’m wearing shaving cologne, I put my teeth in after brushing them. What on earth have I forgotten?” said Roscoe F. Schlemiel of Short Stack, Missouri.

    Mr. Schlemiel rang the doorbell several times but got no answer, even though he swore he had seen a figure diving across a room indoors in front of a picture window.

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Retirees throughout sunbelt save strength for weekly extreme workouts on shuffleboard courts as wives take turns standing by ready to call cardiologists and other personnel


   “I can’t believe how much I’m sweating, and I swear that every single muscle in my body is sore!” said Ambrose P. Crouch, a regular participant in Myrtle Beach. “Thank goodness we have to push ourselves like this only once a week.”

   After the games, the survivors meet at a nearby bar to drink several beers to replenish their electrolytes.

   “It may not work as well as sports drinks, but, hey, the overall effect is a hell of a lot more therapeutic,” Mr. Crouch added, nodding off.

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Suave, flirty husband asks wife if she still enjoys his Saturday night amorous advances, and she reassures him, saying that it’s one of the top 500 thrills of her week


   “I don’t know what I expected,” said Roscoe Q. Klutznik of Devil’s Butte, Missouri. “But that’s what I get for asking. I hope she’s kidding.”

   “I think he was hoping for the top 100,” said his wife, Agatha. “There was a time when that would have been the case, like maybe around the second year of our marriage.”

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Some lucky healthy seniors sheepishly acknowledge that masks allow them to mutter, snort and act like screwballs in public because no one can tell who they are


   “I can’t say I’m going to miss these things when we finally have vaccines and treatments,” said Cornelius R. Schlumpmacher of Lower Sinkhole, Florida. “Not to make fun of this, but I guess we might as well make the most of them while we need them.”

   Mr. Schlumpmacher, his wife and his sister kept walking along the beach – grunting, giggling like hyenas, and blowing raspberries, giving passersby strong motivation for expanding social distancing from six feet to maybe fifty.

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Lovingly devoted husband who spends 12 hours a day out of the house – golfing, sailing and socializing – can’t wait to get back home each evening and savor the euphoria of warm and loving welcomes


   “Helga can’t wait for me to come back every day,” said Elliot F. MacNoodle of Rabid Racoon, Tennessee. “No matter how bad a day I’ve had, there’s always the comfort of walking through the door into her arms.”

   “I like to give him the serenity of a peaceful ambiance, so I encourage him to spend his time here in the basement,” said Helga. “Maybe someday we’ll finish it and get him a bed.”

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Baby boomers by the millions have been making their dreams come true, moving to ‘active’ adult communities for rewarding, athletic activities and fulfilling lifestyles


   “I’m so incredibly happy!” said Matthew Q. Bumstead, who retired a year ago to Sleepy Armadillo, Texas. “I was so damn bored for 45 years during my working career, and now I’m just overwhelmed by all these new opportunities for such a satisfying social life!

   “This is so relaxing,” he added as he woke from a three-hour nap and prepared

to binge-watch Family Feud reruns.

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2 sisters get bashful husbands together once a week to learn social skills in retirement and report major gains after 5 years, witnessing impressive arrays of grunts, murmurs and mumbles


   “They’re doing great!!” said Marjorie K. Schnootz of Bumpass, Virginia. “These two retired engineers still haven’t said a word each other, but clearly they’re communicating on some level. We are very proud of their accomplishments!”

   Added her sister, Luanne, “The guys are amazingly forthcoming these days. They make eye contact once every hour or so, nod at the end of each meal, and have vastly reduced the number of times they look at their watches. I think they’re down to maybe forty or fifty per hour!”

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Young playmates, learning from parents and grandparents, demonstrate picture-perfect sophistication in resolving disagreements, gaining valuable skills in preparing for lifetimes of mature wedded bliss


   “These kids are very lucky – they are learning exceptional communication expertise and body language from the best, especially after staying at home during the pandemic,” said Bilbo P. Flunkowski, a spokesman for the U.S. Department of Education.

   “For those who think that these kids’ educations suffered while away from school – hogwash! They developed tremendous proficiency. They’re ready for anything now!” he added.

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Study traces words that senior golfers use in talking to themselves on the course, finds widespread self-torture as 41% call themselves idiots, 25% morons, 15% dopes, 10% nitwits, and 9% boneheads


   “Golf turns to outright self-torment. We have no idea why these people do this to themselves!” said Elias Q. Snoops of Eavesdrop & Associates, which studied the muttering habits of 22,500 golfers, both men and women.

    Sources report that Mr. Snoops’ statistics also showed roughly forty-two million vulgarities, profanities and obscenities among the golfers – an average of 1,867 per round – but he declined to comment.

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Retirees in recent years have been flocking to Arizona, lured by the friendly culture – happy, smiling faces and hearty welcomes from charming locals


   “You can walk into any place and feel it in the air – you’re immediately sold!” said Erwin P. McFlush, who moved from Middle Cheesehead Depot, Wisconsin, to Tucson.

   “So, OK, maybe a few long-time residents may be a little rough around the edges,” acknowledged his wife, Feta, “but you give ’em a rattlesnake to teach ’em manners, they come around right away.
  “Why squat with your spurs on?” she added. “Just jump right in and join the merriment!”

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42 men tie for senior tennis club championship after umpire calls in sick and no players can remember the score after three games, let alone a whole set


   “We weren’t even sure how many games had been played in each match, so we called it quits after 45 minutes for everyone,” said co-winner Wilfred Q. Bummshautz of Dusty Javelina, New Mexico.

   The women’s matches had been played the day before – 'just like a normal tennis day, with lots of cussing, swearing at the umpire and smashing of rackets,’ a spokeswoman reported.

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Retiree loves to expose grandson to hobbies so that boy can discover passions, spending weekends with him engaging in chess and card games, model railroading, fishing – and cooking while sticking vegetables up grandpa’s nose


   “Boy, it felt good when he got it out of there – thank God he didn’t use the bigger carrot!” said Eustace G. Willikers of Crumbling Millworks, Massachusetts. “This was great – he learned there are limits to everything and seems to be developing great spatial skills.

   “We pretty much let him do what he wants. And who knows – he may become an engineer after all this,” added Mr. Willikers. “It did my heart good when he looked at a pumpkin and could tell right off that it wouldn’t fit.”  

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Happy seniors offer blueprints for wonderful marriages late in life: warmth, sensitivity, understanding, support and the good sense to avoid doing or saying anything to each other that could land you in prison


   “At a certain point you learn to keep your mouth shut, avoid eye contact, turn your hearing aid off and do as you’re asked,” said Harvard Psychology Professor Eloise F. Prattleworth.

   She added, “Just smile, say ‘yes’ to every request and then go about your task, whether it’s doing the dishes, folding the laundry, sealcoating the driveway or inviting your in-laws over for a few weeks. You’ll never be happier!”

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Embarrassing senior moment #36,485,692:

You were talking to her, but barely listening, and when she told you she was on her way to her aunt’s funeral, you replied, ‘Good for you – have a GREAT time!”

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   “It happens more than you think!” said Dr. Shirley Q. Schrumpf, president of the American Psychological Association. “Someone could tell you that he’s on the way to the hospital for open heart surgery and you could utter something totally inappropriate like, “You lucky dog. I wish I were going!”

   Remember: People really don’t want to be congratulated for smashing up their car, or losing their cat, or developing toenail fungus!” she added.

                                                                      * * *

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Annoyed wives encourage homebody husbands to make the most of their retirements by getting out of the house and taking up fun, harmless hobbies for healthy and wholesome relaxation


   “Abner has spent far too much time just moseying around indoors and sighing since he retired a year ago,” said Ruby F. Schlumpburg of Lower Goober Town, Arkansas. “The virus hasn’t helped, but it’s high time that he get the hell away from the TV.

   “I hope he takes to the bungee-jumping,” she added. “We have a real nice 1,000-foot cliff in the next town – give him a great opportunity to get a little exercise and improve his blood pressure.”

* * * 

Sensual couples amaze scientists by seducing each other well into their golden years, building nightly anticipation with saucy teasing, racy and silky clothing, and steamy whispers and touches that lead to hours of magical ecstasy
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   “Who says you can’t have wild days and nights with each other after 40 or 50 years together?” said Dr. Randy Eratowicz, a New York City marriage counselor. “Couples like these can keep the passion going pretty much every day of their lives.

   “They are so obsessed with presenting themselves at their sexy best that many of them even set the alarm an hour early to make time for morning delight,” he added, “before they’ve even had their first sip of prune juice!”

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Seniors becoming fanatical early birds for everything, leaving hours ahead of time for all sorts of appointments – just in case of traffic or parking snags, natural disasters, the Second Coming or an early run on Chunky Elvis ice cream
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   “Some of these people are going a little coocoo, thinking worst-case about everything,” said Dr. Shirley Q. Schrumpf, president of the American Psychological Association. “I’ve even heard of people staying in a hotel next door to their doctors’ offices the night before an appointment, even if they live just four or five miles away.

   “I think it’s time to get worried, though, if you leave the day before just to take advantage of a sale on Metamucil,” she added.

                                                                            * * *

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70-year-old man not sure he's ready to retire, says he still has  unflappable disposition, excellent interpersonal skills, and relishes the relaxed, stress-free environment


   “I don’t feel any different than I have for the last 58 years,” said CPA Aloysius F. Lecter of Skunkletown, Pennsylvania. “I mean, the boss is great unless he’s cutting my pay or screaming at me, the customers are uniformly wonderful so long as they don’t swear and slam down the phone, and my co-workers are a fun group, always laughing around me.”

   Warned his son, Hannibal, “If he does retire, I want to make sure he’s got a mission. I could see him going bonkers if he didn’t have anything to do.”

                                                                          * * *

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Ah, profound love, tremendous passion, animated and uplifting conversation, a celebration of intense romance and togetherness – it can only be one thing: Wine Time!


   “It’s that time of day when retirees across the country come alive after a day of moaning and creaking and crabbiness and of staying out of each other’s way,” said Dr. Blanche P.   Witherswick, president of the U.S. Geriatric Psychology Society.

   “Thank God they have that happy hour,” she added. “It’s amazing how cheerful and effervescent these people can become for an hour or two before getting back to their usual cranky selves.”

                                                                         * * *


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Retired couple spends hours practicing wide smiles each day, stretching facial muscles to the point of soreness in effort to avoid looking like their dog


   “Most people think their dogs are cute – many of us end up adopting pups that look even a little like us, but others make no pretense that their best friends aren’t, um, going to win any beauty contests,” said Seymour Hyding, president of the American Veterinary Medical Association.

   “Nevertheless,” he added, “we recommend that the pooches’ parents maintain their own identity and habits. After all, we don’t want humans to go around wagging their tails on public sidewalks, hanging their tongues out, or eating out of bowls on the floor at restaurants.”

                                                                          * * *

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As seniors spend more time at home, residents of 55+ communities savor the very best of condo living – quiet, soothing lifestyles, considerate next-door neighbors, and utter respect and privacy
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   “We all treat each other with nothing but dignity, deference and courtesy,” said Atticus P. Tumulty, president of a massive homeowners’ association in Clearwater.

   “We are so lucky to live here together,” he added, turning on his hearing aid as Led Zeppelin blared next door and the floor above rumbled from jumping jacks.

* * * * * * * * * * *

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Woman whispers lovingly and soothingly to flowers, discovering at last a cluster of cells that appears to absorb the spoken word infinitely better than husband’s brain matter


   “My babies have grown and grown,” said Rebecca G. Winklepicker of Gooseneck Barnacle, Oregon. “I talk to them for hours at a time, moving along the wall, trying to give every one of them some attention.

   “I don’t let Woodrow anywhere near ’em,” she added. “With all that grunting and groaning and babbling, these babies would curl up, dry up and droop!”

                                                                       * * *

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Couples bark and growl at each other over bedroom lights, temperature, sleep schedule, TV, snoring, noise level – and warn spouses to keep their paws off too much of the blanket


   “These are just typical nights for couples who still insist on sleeping in the same bed together after 40 or 50 years,” said Harvey P. Thrasher, president of the American Insomnia Foundation.

   “For heaven’s sake, their blood pressure and stress levels will go down 50 percent if they just snooze apart. Cripes, just stop hounding each other!”

                                                                         * * *

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On the road at last! As states reopen, wives and husbands start taking social distancing from each other to new levels – ratcheting it up from six feet to six time zones

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    “They’ve never been hemmed in with the spouses like this – ever,” said Dr. Shirley Q. Schrumpf, president of the American Psychological Association. “It’s like they’ve been lined up on the track before the start of the Indianapolis 500 and have been waiting for the starter to wave the flag so they can floor it.

   “We’re confident that they’ll be back together within a few days, though,” she added. “They’ll get tired of squabbling with themselves.”

                                                                            * * *

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Potential condo owner asks to read latest HOA rules, discovers 5-cent fines for trying to skip ahead in outhouse line, ban on all but one bath per month, and week-long eviction for hanging skivvies on clothesline on Sundays


   “I couldn’t believe it!” said Buster Q. Sneesdust of Noodle Doosie, Pennsylvania. “I mean, come on, you’d think they could have updated the rules at least once in a hundred and fifty years! I know that you usually have to move heaven and earth to change these things, but cripes!”

   Added his wife, Priscilla, “We’re thinking we’ll take a pass on this place, maybe find another association that at least allows console TVs and iceboxes.”

                                                                             * * *

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Woman shows up for pickleball lessons at posh Palm Beach club, is turned away for even brief trial membership as horrified board officials tell her she’s woefully underdressed

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   “They had a gemologist there to weigh the number of carats in my jewelry, and I fell about ten million dollars short with the tennis bracelet alone!” said Lauralee Q. Schtump of Silky Swamp, Florida, a wealthy suburb of Palm Beach. “Plus, I brought a new $2,000 racket that they thought would embarrass other members, as the frame didn’t contain an inlaid Hope Diamond or rubies, emeralds and sapphires.”

   Said a source on the membership committee, “She carried a bag containing only custom Neiman Marcus tennis shoes. How bourgeois! Imagine the gall – not even platinum stilettos for regular court play!”

                                                                          * * *

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Husband, feeling lucky, announces that he’s as virile as a 20-year-old, swears that he can go all night; wife says he’d be lucky to stay awake for 30 seconds after lying down.


She overestimates by 15 seconds.


   “He claimed that he was feeling 50 years younger,” said Adeline F. Woodfaller of Drooping Eyelids, Idaho.

   “Unfortunately, it was all in his head, and had not migrated to other regions,” she added. “He’s always out like a light the second his head hits the pillow, and this time was no different. I think maybe there’s a little rust in his lust. But, God bless him, he meant well.”

                                                                          * * *

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Seniors receive exotic new haircuts and styles from the comfort of their own homes as relatives fill in for beauticians whose salons have been declared nonessential businesses


   “Nonessential my foot!” complained Hilda F. McWeasle of Middle Ducktail, Alabama. “Are these governors nuts? I had my husband cut my hair, and it’s going to take a decade to undo the damage!”

   Mrs. McWeasle, who said she had to order wigs from Amazon, added, “When this is over I want to see these governors get haircuts from their spouses. Let’s see how long they stay in office!”

                                                                           * * *

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After months cooped up and eating the same foods at home, couple at long last finds open restaurant, celebrates with exquisite dining experience – best-tasting meal in months – at Popeye’s


   “OK, so we had grape juice, but it was so liberating to eat something different outside our own home and get all gussied up!” exclaimed Genevieve J. Schnorts of Lower Bumfuzzle, Kentucky. The salads and fried chicken certainly topped the old canned hash and macaroni and cheese.”

   Gushed husband J. Wellington Schnorts, channeling Popeye on all that home cooking, “That's all I can stands, 'cause I can't stands no more! Now I can’t waits no more for Chick-fil-A and Fuddruckers to opens!”

                                                                          * * *

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Man recalls old photo of himself grinning sheepishly to avoid upsetting his bride, realizes that he’s used the same expression pretty much nonstop for 50 years

   ”I guess I’m still petrified of Schmoopsie’s disapproval,” said Tim R. Ruscz of Upper Swamp Rat, Louisiana. “I don’t know why – it’s like this fear is ingrained.

   “Boy, you can take that photo, remove three-quarters of the hair, change what’s left to gray, substitute a T-shirt that says, ‘I Don't Need Google, My Wife Knows Everything!’ …  and I’m still that anxious kid,” he added.                                                               

                                                                       * * *

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Sarasota judge, sick and tired of seniors who drive way too slowly on city streets, imposes maximum punishments, inflicts great misery by sentencing scofflaws to two years of ballroom dancing lessons, bans on early-bird dinners

   “I will show no mercy! I don’t care how much they beg for jail time instead! We need to end this epidemic once and for all!” said Judge Rufus X. Collywobbles.

   “Honestly,” he added. “Ten miles an hour in a 35 zone? Two miles an hour in a 15 zone? You get caught, I throw the book at you. You do this twice and you have to take synchronized swimming lessons, too!”

                                                                          * * *

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Husband prepares to flee house as exasperated wife calls from bathroom and asks why he can NEVER remember to replace empty toilet paper roll


   “Damn, I did it again!” said Alphonsus Q. Hickinbottom of Trout Snout, New Hampshire. “I don’t know what it is – I must have some kind of mental block. Maybe I’m just trying not to use too much since the hoarding began around this town.”

   Mr. Hickinbottom was last seen driving to the local gas station to use its grimy men’s room after his wife, Olympia, hid the last few rolls of TP and sent him on his merry way.

                                                                           * * *

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Veterinarians report that dogs are rethinking concept of unconditional love as they get bummed out hearing cranky humans bicker, sigh and moan during quarantines


   “This is a historic development, and it’s particularly pronounced with elderly couples, who may be together 24/7 for the first time ever,” said Seymour Hyding, president of the American Veterinary Medical Association. “These dogs are fatigued, they’re sleeping way too much, their appetites have declined, and they’re irritable.”

   He added, “We believe that pets will gradually become less dejected once people can get away from each other. Otherwise these dogs, once off the leash, may bolt a few hundred miles and rejoin wolves for less a stressful existence.”

                                                                       * * *

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As many seniors remain at home, they alter routines, taking advantage of every opportunity to develop healthy habits for indoor lifestyles


   “This illness has given many people the chance to take stock of their own health and to adjust their behavior to a life inside four walls,” said Imogene P. Statkowski, president of Krankcawl Polling LLC, which conducted a nationwide survey of retirees.

   She added, “Respondents say they feel great, and no wonder – they report eating only healthy salads and light meals to avoid any weight gain.”

                                                                          * * *

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Women of a certain age fondly recall early days with sweet, sensitive, handsome husbands, report seeing them much differently as they spend more time together in retirement
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   “My honeybun sure has changed,” lamented Shirley F. Wartzburg of Creaky Joint, Arizona, shaking her head. “I used to stare at him in pure adoration when we were first married. I could not get enough of him. He was so gorgeous and loving.

   “Now I’d give anything if he could be as friendly and handsome as Darth Vader, or Freddie Krueger from Nightmare on Elm Street,” she added.

                                                                          * * *

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Sisters skunk hubbies in pool volleyball after the guys expend all their energy emptying dishwasher for half an hour


   “Our strategy worked! These knuckleheads should have known they wouldn’t be competitive!” said Shirley ‘Spike’ Slambach of Sweaty Palms, California. “All that vigorous exercise beforehand that they’re not used to? Ha!”

   The women sat by the pool and drank wine after the match as the husbands snored nearby on lounge chairs.

                                                                        * * * 

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Spouses get their romantic stud muffins and sweetie pies back as sleep apnea machines help stop snoring, snorting and grunting – and as roof tiles stop clattering all night


   “I can finally sleep in peace after all these years!” exclaimed Virginia Q. Snootzer of Muggywump, Florida. “The noise level is down like 99 percent, and we finally have our lives back.”

    Asked if the whining, humming and whistling of the machine disturbs her, she replied, “Oh, heavens no. I still wear industrial-strength earplugs. But after all these years of bouncing up and down on the bed in cadence with Roscoe’s snoring, hey, that’s nothing!” 

                                                                         * * *

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Long-married seniors – who have been driving each other nuts while cooped up in the same four walls 24/7 during virus pandemic ­– celebrate as they get through weeks without facing murder charges


   “Thank God I didn’t kill him!” said Lucinda P. Fuzzybutz of Sticky Overshoe, Maine. “I didn’t realize he had a zillion obsessive-compulsive habits that he’d been hiding, like cleaning his ears with toothpicks, taking 14 bites out of every little square pretzel, or talking like Yogi Bear in the bathroom. Cripes. I can’t wait till he’s out of the house again.”

   She added, “Now if only the World Health Organization would order social distancing for us old couples – like for a decade. It may take that long to recover!!!”

                                                                          * * *

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Friendliest and warmest residents of Tampa retirement community are elected to run HOA, vowing congeniality and the utmost respect for all ideas, comments and criticisms


   “We won’t be like some of those other associations that have ultra-conservative people who get defensive if you look at them sideways!” said Josiah Q. Slothowicz, the newly elected president.

   “Even those gadflies – the ones who harp and harp and harp on the same issues for decades – will get a full airing,” he added, as he cut off comments at the first public meeting after the board received congratulations and compliments from friends and relatives.

                                                                          * * *

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Toddler is in stitches as newly retired grandparents start to make Arizona horsemanship dream a reality, but decide after trying to mount ponies for 45 minutes that they’ll take up pinochle instead


  “Dang, they was moanin’ and groanin’ and constantly belly-achin’, yellin’ ‘ouch’ and ‘yikes’ and ‘whoa, whoa’ when the horses hadn’t even moved an inch!” said riding instructor Dusty Spurstine.
    “I think they was fixin’ to gallop halfway to New Mexico, but they never got to the saddle,” he added. “Maybe they’d best do their dreamin’ by signin’ up for the Horse Opera Channel.”

                                                                        * * *

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Senior woman nominated for Nobel Peace Prize after putting forth superhuman effort to keep her mouth shut with prospective daughter-in-law as young woman lives with family for two months

   “It would be easier to remain silent if I slammed my toe with a jackhammer, or if I came face to face with Jaws!” exclaimed Frieda Grouse of Wailing Falls, North Dakota.

    “This girl is sickeningly sweet. Every. Single. Second. It would be much better if she were human, like if she were insensitive, overbearing, mean or sarcastic, but she’s not,” the elder woman’s husband wrote in the application to the Nobel committee. “I’m also asking the Pope to canonize my wife as a saint!”

                                                                         * * *

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Woman celebrating milestone birthday waits patiently as a dozen senior friends rush out of party and race home for triple-extra-strength denture adhesive after learning that cake is frosted with gooey, sticky icing


   “I think they all figured that the cake would be iced with the usual simple whipped-cream frosting, not a gooey caramel mixed with sticky fudge,” said Roberta Q. Cakewick of Punkeydoodles Corners, Ontario. “We didn’t want to have a flying-denture derby, so I warned them all about the ingredients. Nice of my hubby to get this cake, but he’s not aware of all the needs of this crowd.”

                                                                                 * * *

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Illustration via Shutterstock

                 Great moments in retirement history:



Embarrassed retiree who keeps forgetting to put trash can out on curb every Monday evening retreats to back room, passes the time scribbling maddeningly indecipherable gibberish


   “Poor Albert. He can be such a dunderhead – so scatter-brained!” said the man’s wife, Elsa Einstein. “I put notes up everywhere – on the refrigerator, on the trash can, on the bathroom mirror, in his pipe, even on signs along the sidewalk so that he’ll get a reminder while he’s out on his daily walks.

   “Nothing seems to work,” she added. “I’m thinking maybe I should have married someone with at least a double-digit IQ!”

                                                                           * * *

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As ‘gig economy’ broadens – and individuals work gigs, or temporary jobs, without benefits – self-indulgent Baby Boomers get more creative, hire housekeepers and maids who will work under the table just for pats on the back and occasional treats


   “This is great – we didn’t have to hire full-time employees and pay health care premiums or Social Security and Medicare taxes,” said Barkley Q. Woofowicz of Muddled Caucus, Iowa. “We didn’t have to change our standard of living, and these workers seem to trust us unconditionally and never give us any guff.”

                                                                           * * *

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After years of getting stuck in self-checkout lanes at Orlando grocery store during lunch hour, new retiree gets revenge, sets world record of 7 hours, 42 minutes to key in produce codes


   “Cripes – and she claimed to be tech-savvy!” said one local office worker who was stuck behind her for a while. “I waited so long to check out my salad that I had to take some vacation time! First it was five minutes to find the code sticker, then she had to key the item, then re-key it, and then call an associate for help because she put in the bananas 25 times!”

   “Ha! That was great!” said the new retiree, Gladys P. Idlewilde. “Maybe I’ll see if I can break this record in another week or two.”

                                                                          * * *

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Javelinas, with razor-sharp teeth and putrid musky-skunk smell, join coyotes, rattlesnakes, pythons and alligators in dotting sunbelt and showing new retirees how to enjoy the great indoors.

   “The wildlife here is spectacular!” said Oscar P. Dustdevil, who moved from Iowa to Extra Crispy, Arizona, just south of Tucson. “My favorite times are sunrise and sunset, and I can watch the animals and the gorgeous skies right from the comfort of my own living room.”

   “But then again,” he added. “We have no complaints. Better than 15-foot alligators and massive pythons that grace other states!”

                                                                    * * *

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Woman’s CPA hubby has shortest retirement in history as he wakes up on day one, invades wife’s turf by marking up her checkbook in red, and demands spending cuts, ten-year budget and strategic planning meeting


   “I sent Leonard back to the family accounting firm at 10 a.m.!” said Penny Pinscher, who has managed the household finances and investments for 40 years. “This knucklehead clearly had not listened when we talked about sharing chores, supporting each other through this transition, and making sure that neither of us trampled on the other’s space. He won’t retire for another 20 years after this!”

   Leonard was working until midnight and could not be reached for comment by a reporter for Guinness World Records.

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As couple begins to renew vows and take second honeymoon, husband panics after suddenly realizing that he forgot to clean out lint trap in dryer and may have neglected to empty crumb tray in toaster


   “I’m in for it now!” exclaimed a contrite Frederick Q. Grovelmaus of Looney Mountain, Vermont, who was desperately trying to figure out how to get his brother to drive 200 miles, call a locksmith, and correct these mortal sins – before the blessed couple returned home in two weeks.

   “What a way to begin the next chapter,” he lamented. “Hortense will kill me if these things aren’t fixed. Well, at least I finished the laundry and didn’t leave the seat up on the john. I hope.”

                                                                         * * *

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Seniors by the thousands are keeping the love alive with soft touches, sweet words and rapturous ‘afternoon delight’ – 30-minute naps with dazzling afterglows


   “Boy, when we were in our 20s and 30s, ‘afternoon delight’ meant hours of unending passion,” said Marjorie Q. Schtolfoops of Pocked Spud, Idaho. “Now the passion is for one of those naps, ones that don’t make us so groggy or cranky that we can’t sleep for four nights!”

   Added her husband, Snafoo, “If we start nodding off around 7:30 or 8, we know the afterglow is a home run!”

                                                                          * * *

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Woman is among six lifelong friends who are proud to have endured seven days in the Caribbean, are thrilled that it’s nearly time to fly home to cranky husbands, cooking, cleaning johns, mopping floors, and changing the oil


   "It's been a blast of sunshine, great food, pina coladas, swimming, dancing, reggae music and perfect weather, but at our age, going to bed early with our dear husbands is really our idea of fun!" said Betty Snortsalott of Slimy Salamander, South Carolina.
  “Give us a day of laundry, floor-mopping, bingo, an early dinner and an hour of watching the evening news – with commercials for drugs that all seem to have death as a side effect –and we’ll show you the perfect day.”

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New retiree dives into aquatic class with older community residents, absorbs so much hairspray in water from permanent do’s that hair turns to steel and she can no longer fit in car, sleep in her own bed, or walk through her house

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   “I can’t even budge it!” complained Ruby S. Stiffnaegle of Blue Rinse, Florida. “I tried sleeping next to my husband but the hair was so sharp that he felt he was being stabbed.

   “At this point I’m pretty sure I need to get a bald cut, but I’m having a hard time finding extra-strength industrial-grade scissors that will cut through sheet metal,” she added. “They tell me they may not make anything that strong!”

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Couple, anxious to make friends in Myrtle Beach retirement community after a year, are always the first to greet new residents, still find it bizarre why their social life hasn’t started to blossom


   “I just don’t get it,” said a frustrated Bobbie Jo Schnookz, who moved from of Barbecue Spit, Missouri, with her husband just after they retired. “We’re out there every day like we’re running for office, kissing old ladies and shaking hands, showing our down-home sense of humor, but people just don’t seem to warm up to us.”

   “I think we made a huge mistake,” bemoaned her hubby, Igor. “Our son told us just to be ourselves, which we’ve done, but it doesn’t work here like it did in the Spit. I sure won’t get elected governor again. Nope, not down here!”

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Stanford anthropologists announce stunning discovery of couple in rural Spanish countryside who report that they genuinely love every minute of each other’s company, have never had to compromise, and have laughed their way through 55 years of marriage


   “These two have made history!” exclaimed Dr. Fabius Q. Metatarsus, who has been on sabbatical for 45 years looking for empirical evidence that such behavior actually exists somewhere on Earth. “This appears to be unique to human history – unending love and unceasing good humor toward each other.

   “Strikingly, the couple still feels this way even after raising eight children. The only odd things are that they are so intently focused on each other that they report having had a hard time remembering their children’s names, and they appear to have forgotten how to ride a bicycle.”

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After new retiree lounges around the house for six months, family court judge rules that wife suffers from Retired Husband Syndrome, sentences hubby to clean toilets daily, wash his own underwear, make his own lunches and stay out of the house 10 hours a day


   “Clearly this poor woman has suffered severe emotional trauma from RHS since this guy stopped working,” said Boca Raton Judge Farquar Q. McFarquar. “She’s stressed, frustrated and not sleeping, and he complains about everything and wants to be waited on hand and foot while he watches soap operas. That ends now!”

   Judge McFarquar added, “If Defendant disobeys said order and does not join clubs or start hobbies, he will be washing underwear and cleaning toilets for the whole neighborhood. Give this poor lady a break! No wonder she took him to court!”

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Woman who usually drinks just water and OJ in the morning has three cups of coffee, then mentions s-e-x, sending fellow retirees fumbling for smartphones to look up the unfamiliar word


   “I’m afraid I made something of a fool of myself,” said Hortense P. Demitaas of Crazed Eagle, Pennsylvania, outside of Philadelphia. “Suddenly I remembered that three-letter word, and it came out like a missile before I could stop it.”

   Added one of her fellow retirees, “It’s difficult to pull a name or a word out of your brain, but this one ... it took a while to remember its meaning. But we all agreed that, given the choice, we’d rather drink coffee than experience it anytime soon!”

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Groundbreaking study pinpoints origins of infants’ first words, proving that ‘gaga’ and ‘googoo’ are not gibberish – they’re babies’ actual descriptions of grandparents’ crazed expressions and dreamy gleams of adoring rapture


   “We’ve always assumed that these were nothing but sounds, but we now have solid empirical evidence that babies can tell at about the age of two hours whether their grandparents are, in fact, gaga or googoo,” said the lead author, Yale Professor Felix Q. Faugibottom.

   “By viewing their reactions to grandparents’ various expressions, we proved that infants are born with an amazing ability to differentiate whether their grandparents are rational and level-headed, just plain silly, or totally nuts!” he added.

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As Prince Harry and Meghan Markle semi-retire from ‘senior’ royal duties, couple begins life of financial independence by purchasing fixer-uppers in undisclosed Canadian province.
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   “This is what we’ve dreamed of while battling all this stress in Britain!” the couple said in a statement. “We can’t wait to start updating these properties and show baby Archie what it’s like to build a fulfilling retirement from the ground up.

   “Our beloved Prince Charles offered to help finance this beginning of our journey, and we’ll be eternally grateful to him for enabling us to purchase these new estates!” they added.

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Woman, giving all her attention to new pet, leaves with puppy on three-month RV trip and realizes after four days and 1,200 miles that she forgot husband at home


   “Well, I guess he’ll have to stay put!” said Adelaide Q. Stumpjumpa of Slippery Sleet, New Hampshire. “It’s way too late to turn back. He might as well paint the house, build a big play-room addition for our new family member, and replace the plumbing and electric in the rest of the house.”

   Meanwhile, her husband, Ralph, got to work, and in the evenings was reading a book titled ‘How an old dog can learn new tricks to get attention!”

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Florida retirement community hires umpire to keep the peace during bocce and shuffleboard tournaments as savage, bloodthirsty retired hockey fans mock participants, cheer injuries, yell for fights and throw rubber alligators at players


   “These are the most obnoxious sports lunatics on the planet, and a lot of  'em are from Philadelphia!” said the umpire, Harvey Q. Stoopowicz. “They’re calling 90-year-old bocce players losers, idiots and imbeciles and screaming things like, ‘Whadder youse morons doin – cantchyas toss da bol like ya’s wasn’t dead, ya’s stoopid dorks?’ And they even threw snowballs at Santa Claus last Christmas!”

   Sources say that Mr. Stoopowicz is the fourteenth ump hired this year. Fans reportedly chased the first thirteen out of the village after dousing them with Yuengling Lager and flinging cheesy nachos and half-eaten Philly cheesesteaks at them.

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On last day of weeklong exotic and expensive fishing trip, man finally finds success, later takes out miniature yardstick and sends photo to wife showing that he caught 12-foot trout


   “This will buy me more time next year!” exclaimed Adolphus Q. Grumpleschlitz of Whining Javelina, Arizona. “She bought it hook, line and sinker!”

   His wife, Greta, had the last laugh, though.

   “When he told me he couldn’t filet and ship that fish in dry ice because the thing was so oversized that he had to throw it back, I knew something was fishy,” she said. “Imagine him wrestling a 12-foot trout to release it? They’d be shipping him back!”

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Seniors who don’t get hundreds of Facebook ‘loves’ instead of ‘likes’ on photos of grandkids and grandpuppies take out frustrations by trouncing these boorish louts over the Internet in video games like Splatterhouse, Grand Theft Auto, and Resident Evil


   “These fearsome senior players have amazing endurance!” said Darth Q. Drednaught, president of The Grayer Slayers, a group of retirees who have become video-game aficionados with amazing lightning-fast coordination skills and killer tendencies.

   “If they get angry about Facebook, they’ll jump into these games, smash people to smithereens and make their opponents think they’re dealing with Vlad the Impaler!”

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Retirees – tormented by spouses who talk incessantly first thing in the morning – create social support club, take vows of silence and escape to park bench 3 mornings a week, merely nodding to each other


   “I couldn’t stand it!” said Joanna P. Jabberson of Sandy Tootsies, California. “I can’t shut Elmo up. He’s a nonstop chatterbox, especially right after he gets up, and it goes on for hours!”

   She added, “The only way most of us could get out of the house was to tell our husbands and wives that we’d joined a club. We call it the Order of the Rising Sun, and all our spouses know is that it’s a meditation group.

   “It’s saving our sanity!” she said.

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Latest trend? Spouses getting dogs trained to be backseat drivers in their absence, learning to bark when speed is too high or too low ... then jumping into front seat ... pressing imaginary brake pedal ... changing radio, volume and temperature knobs ... and howling about wrong turns


   “Our surveys consistently show that at least 99% of senior spouses don’t trust their husband or wife to drive competently,” said Aurelia Q. Crankshaft, president of AAA.

   “Many of them have trained their dogs to imitate their own yipping or yapping in the car,” she added. “And the dogs are doing a great job – so long as the drivers remember their hearing aids!”

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Noted dancer/singer shows off new spouse wherever they go, even stopping on street corners to allow local residents to gawk at amazing status symbol – her trophy husband!


   “Rufus is the epitome of a disco stud!” gushed Ember Q. Schnooler of Deep Coal Soot, West Virginia. “Everyone talks about the ‘wow’ effect that we bring together wherever we go. I knew the first second that he was the one. He has amazing rhythm, a great voice and a gorgeous 70s wardrobe!”

   Added Rufus, “The women seem to drool all over me. Or maybe that’s me drooling. I don’t know. But whatever, I seem to make Ember happy.”


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Many couples who fight like cats and dogs give it a rest during the holidays, showing soothing kindness and appreciation for each other as they re-energize before taking up battle positions again on Jan. 2


   “It’s uncanny. They have a sense that they need to behave like adults during the holidays!” said Dr. Shirley Q. Schrumpf, president of the American Psychiatric Association. “They have to de-stress and kick back, especially if they’re plain worn out.”

   But, she added, “There may well be a method to the madness for many couples: Neither person wants to give the other any ammunition by getting blamed for ruining the holidays – that could put a person at a severe disadvantage for the whole year!”

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After years of torture as Boston commuter by the rudest, craziest drivers on the planet, retiree gets rush-hour revenge, pulling stunts like failing to proceed through green lights, moseying along at 6 mph on major arteries, straddling lanes and inching onto highway ramps


   “I never thought that being passive-aggressive would be such fun!” exclaimed city resident Germaine P. Schnookowitz. “They don’t like it when I speed by them in the empty lane before a work zone and then merge with traffic at the very last second … or make a left-hand turn from four lanes to the right … or hop lanes around the rotaries. Well, too bad, because the chumps did that to me for fifty years!

   “Hey, what’s wrong with taking up three spaces by parking sideways at an office building – or blocking the entrance to a huge garage? Who cares?

   “Not me!” she added, smiling.

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Husband enjoys weekend while wife is away, dropping dirty laundry on floor, leaving the seat up, licking peanut butter off knife, hogging the whole blanket, and arguing with himself over highway directions – and winning!

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   “What a great weekend!” said Horace P. Slothowitz of Sticky Sap, Vermont. “I turned the toilet paper roll backwards, too, and watched underwater boxing and the Beverly Hillbillies until 3 in the morning. And imagine – wow, I lived to tell about it!”

   “Well, barely!” added his wife, Adelaide. “The dope didn’t clean up the house before I got home. He’s in time out right now and is grounded for a month!”

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Exhausted man wakes up at 5:15 p.m., 20 hours after an evening of listening to another retired couple call each other sickeningly sweet pet names, finish each other’s sentences, talk baby talk, blow air kisses, and joke incessantly about their matching sweatshirts


   “I can’t take this anymore!” lamented George Q. Snootz of Hell’s Half Acre, South Carolina. “I couldn’t eat my dinner. I’m a diabetic, and their conversation was so sweet that I could feel my blood sugar skyrocketing!”

   Mr. Snootz quickly fell back asleep for another 14 hours and promised his wife that he'd wear industrial-strength earmuffs if they ever got together with the same couple again.

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Seniors carry on longstanding family traditions by inviting all manner of relatives for traditional Thanksgiving dinners, then drink plenty of wine and give hearty thanks – for not having to see some of these miscreants for another year!

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   “Thank goodness this day will soon be over!” exclaimed Rusty Nayles of Dusty Boot, Arizona. “No more stupid uncle tricks, dumb arguments, insults or odd odors and noises gracing our dining room table. Now it’s back to normal for 364 more days!”

   Added his wife, Penny Nayles, “It’s the wine that gets me through these affairs. Truthfully I don’t remember much about the last 20 of them!”

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Dog quickly asserts herself as head of household, trains human pet to observe numerous daily rituals at precise times, including three naps a day in the same stinky socks 


   “My owner has an innate sense of time to the minute,” said the pet, Roderick Q. Dormattz of Odor Eaters, Tennessee. “I have been trained to be exact – on-the-dot meal time, walk time, treat time, bedtime, you-name-it time.”

   He added, “Now if only I can get my owner to pay the bills, cook the meals, vacuum dog hair, pick up the gifts I get to bag during our walks, and file the taxes as head of household, well, I will have the perfect owner, and I’ll be as snug as a pug on a rug.”

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Residents rejoice as 20-minute rainfall obscures Phoenix sun for the first time in 11 months; city declares state of emergency and designates 'Arizona snow day,' closing schools, businesses, government offices and highways

   “Drivers – especially seniors – are hereby ordered to stay off slick city and state highways,” announced Mayor Roscoe Q. Tumbleweed. “Visibility has been extremely poor and driving would be suicide.”

   Meanwhile, residents of numerous retirement communities were celebrating.

    “We’re singing and dancing in the streets because we’ve been fried by the blazing sun for nearly a year!” said one resident.  “This is so easy on the eyes and we don’t need a quart of sunscreen for once!!”

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Man shrinks two inches every time he walks with his grandson, is expected to be same height as child within just a few months, doctors warn


   “Boy, it’s tough to bend down like that, but I’ll do anything for little Charlie,” said Romulus Q. Stoops of Slimy Algae, Georgia.

   “We love to see him as often as possible, and now it’s once a month,” added his wife, Priscilla. “That’s probably a reasonable frequency, or Romulus would be face to face with Charlie’s knees in no time!”

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Woman discovers that grandmother invented the word ‘Eewwww’ as writing on back of photo indicates that grandfather used to clip toenails in bed and use the bathroom with door open

   “I married the same kind of barbarian!” said Irma Q. Grosswiler of Rusty Still, Kentucky. “Cripes. It must be in the genes. What the hell was I thinking?”

   She added, “ ‘Eww’ doesn’t begin to describe it. He even uses my toothbrush sometimes, just like Grandpa. I wish we had separate bathrooms – or, better yet, separate houses!”

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